decisions decisions

its supposed to be nice today

...

i wanna play basketball

...

no, rollerblade

...

or run, yes, run

...

maybe soccer (futbol)

...

work on my spanish in the sun

...

el sol

...

walk away from the computer

...

how about a simple walk

...

over the bridge and through the park

...

...

I'm borrowing an idea from a friend's sister. She sometimes creates art based on something from the twitter feed (http://katievernon.blogspot.com/ - click it. you know you want to.). I was going to link to the twitter page that I pulled this from, but when I clicked through, the page made me go "AH!". I thought it best to spare everyone. Okay, if I was reading this, I would want to see for myself, so here you go. Speaking of twitter, you can follow this blog's twitter feed (www.twitter.com/insanemonade).

berlin rising

invoke berlin at dawn for me
the grey, the color
new noises welcoming
what was lost

invoke the new day
the joy
the release

drum the rising sun
on the hood of the car
let the chocolate rain

invoke the goosebumps
and the tears
the unnamable seed that
finally grows again

invoke berlin at dawn for me
this memory of place
locked in hope

stretch the smile
live the moment
invite me in

If you've ever have a chance to hear a German tell you about the day the wall came down, listen.

mind your tortillas

noise of children
counts down the day

shadows reach out
try to touch

mind your tortillas
something burns

My neighborhood smelled like something was burning this morning. It wasn't a building burning smell, but a food one. It blanketed a huge area.

punishment for apptitude

there is a way to demand mediocrity
without even knowing
making undeserved concessions
to repetitive mistakes
ignoring issues
allowing less
for some

the drive to give more
the need to do better
why?
time, effort, and stress
are precious
less here is acceptable
for some

a bar too highly set
a personal triumph
weighed down with
knowing
it is easier to pass
for some

My office seems to be amazingly gifted and setting different standards for different people that have the same position.

other people's busy

all you do is annoy
your thousands of questions
bring frustrated sighs
and you still have more
and more
and more

what do they think
are you reading the silence
accurately?
have you forgotten their lives
their busy-ness

ask the questions anyway

I get in these moods where I just feel like the most annoying, unimportant person that steals important time from busy people. I had one of those moments this morning. I'm working on just asking and letting the others (person, people, groups, etc.) take care of their own needs, to wait until they let me know that they don't have time rather than assuming.

the cat and the bow

the cat has a bow around its neck
no one knows why
the cat never keeps a collar on
but the bow, it likes
we put it on the cat at christmas
the scratches and blood hardly worth the lark
but now we can't get it off
hissing and teeth and claws
guard the bow
and when you've given it up
the cat prances and preens and poses
in its victory
in its joy
in its beauty
the flick of the tail says
the bow must stay

Thanx to JPJ for the opening line/inspiration for today's poetry.

sigh

oh cheese i love you
but you make anger in
my belly

should i ask if i can't eat you
or just pretend it's something
else

sigh

I'm getting closer and closer to actually asking my doctor if I'm lactose intolerant. I seem to do fine with hard cheeses or local yogurt, but sour cream and goat cheese don't seem to agree. Slowly, everything good is getting taken away from me. Who is the sadist running this joint?!

when in doubt, poetrify

forked decisions equal in outcome
ease of travel guaranteed
challenging courses assured
timing alone changed

questions of satisfaction
thoughts of regret
haunt the choice

which path which path which path
one a potential detour back to the other

the immense beginning
stepping kills the other ways
stepping births the next life

which way to go?

So I got in to grad school. I've only applied to one, and it is the program that I want. However, the tuition award was not what I had hoped, so I'm stuck in this space of getting started on this next phase now or taking my GRE and applying elsewhere and hoping for more money at a school that doesn't necessarily meet my needs (but may have a name). Also, if I wait and start applying, I may not get in to those places. Decisions decisions decisions. Advice, thoughts, etc. are definitely sought and wanted here.

new again

Come on, Daddy!

I'm coming. My knees are old; they don't move as fast as they used to.

You're silly. We're almost there, but we have to HURRY!!!

Okay, okay. I'm hurrying.

They got to the top of the hill, and the child sat down. The father looked around trying to figure out what it was he was supposed to see. Trees, grass, flowers: everything was muted by the pre-dawn light.

What

Just wait. Sit and wait.

He sat down and waited. The pinks, yellows and blues awoke in the east, and the life around them started to bloom again. Finally the sun peaked a wary eye over the horizon and everything exploded into the full color spectrum. The clouds reveled in their temporary hues, and creatures began to chat away the morning. It was a sunrise. Not any special sunrise. Something he had seen hundreds (he hoped) of times.

The child tugged his sleeve, seemed to look through him, and sighed.

Isn't it amazing?

Just remembering the amazing things the world does. Trying to not gender the child (which is very difficult). Contemplating the child(like) innocence literary device.

another cat monologue

Always in the path to the destination. Always. Only good for food, fresh water, and cleaning up my shit. I am going to punch you in the boob. It will feel like I’m kneading you, but it is a hardcore series of punches. You’ll see when you get the bruises tomorrow.

Don’t move me! Here is my butt in your face for that. Yeah, I’m stretching. I’m a cat, a cat with its butt in your face. You like that? Better get used to it. My ass will be next to your nose after you fall asleep. Sweet dreams, sweetheart. Maybe next time you’ll just leave me alone until I tell you I want you.

I don’t even want to look at you right now. I’ll be behind the curtain. Do not. disturb me. You seem to have a plant where I want to sit. There. What? It wanted to be on the floor. I was helping. I never get any credit around here.

How about here? On the arm of the couch? Is this okay for you, your Highness? Hey. I’m looking at you. Look at me. Blinker. Ugh. Stop looking at that stupid box. Stop tapping on it. Pay attention to me. I want petting. Okay, I’m sitting on your hands, my face is in your face, and I’m purring. This is an indication that you should stop with the whatever you doing and get with the catcuddles.

Thank you. I will not kill in your sleep tonight.

I was going to work on Wonderland, but I just was stuck (and tired).

the way to wonderland - post four

Exhausted, the girl made herself into a pile and began to think out all of this information and hoped that her own logic had some shared characteristics with this world’s. The evolution of these people was clearly out of her realm. She couldn’t move easily. She could see her own gravity. It was not subject to her will. There was some strange religion of which she was a part. Perhaps the bands were some sort of ceremonial magic? Her frustration bubbled and built until she couldn’t just remain thinking. More information, more experience. That is what she really needed. How could she really make any real judgments based on three-legged men and her own capacity to move? Up she stood and took a step. Her foot snapped back to its place beside the road. Was she stuck here? No. She tried the other foot. Same result. She tried to kick her one foot, then the other, and then both. Nothing. Crawling? Maybe that was her movement? Crouching down, her hands reached out to the ground but jerked back to her body immediately before touching the ground.

I WANT TO CROSS THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!

Her voice scared her. The horses looked at her, but she barely noticed because her leg tethers were suddenly gone. It took her a moment to understand this, and she sprinted across the road. Her run would have kept going clear into the pasture, only she fell hard onto the ground once she had completed the crossing, the bonds back in place. Nooooooooo. She cried. Her face and hands hurt from the scrapes and blossoming bruises, but the bitterness in her sobs was from her loss of freedom. She wanted to go home now. She wanted a warm bath and a good dinner and her parents reading to her before she fell asleep.

The horses stirred.
Poor girl. It’s so hard to watch them when they are first born. I hope this one doesn’t take a long time to learn the method.

Can’t we just tell her? I’ve seen this show so many times I’m bored of it.

I just don’t think that would be fair, do you?

Excuse me? She called across to the beasts. You seem to know how to help me. Please help me. I just want to…

Yes? The enthusiasm perked the horses ears.

I don’t know.

Oh. Their faces fell longer and they returned to their grass.

So close.

I know.

Close to what?

If you don’t know, we certainly can’t tell you.

Yes, you can.

Please, argue with us. That will get you what you want.

I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be stuck here forever or even for five more seconds. I want to be free, and you two act like you know how to get free. She would have stamped her foot into the dirt if she could.

That’s a start.

What?

Know what you don’t want. It’s a start.

True. Not the best start we’ve seen, but not the worst.

Certainly not original.

Definitely not.

How did you get free?

The horses cackled, and the sound of it made her skin crawl and her bands shudder. We were never bonded. We’re horses, you silly ass. [ed. Couldn’t help myself]

Please. I …

What happened before you crossed the road?

You can’t help her.

Hush. What happened?

I yelled. Oh! GIVE ME FREEDOM!

I’m done helping if you continue to use that grating pitch and volume.

But

Do you want my help?

Yes, please.

Now think. What happened before you crossed the road?

I yelled… that I wanted to cross the road?

The horse nodded. Did you know why?

To get to the other side?

What?

Nothing. I just wanted to cross the road.

Exactly.

Okay. I want wave at the horses The band evaporated. She waved and casually tried to place her hand on her hip, but the band grabbed hold and moved it back into place. You have got to be kidding me. I have to state every movement I want to make before I make it?

Only if you have a particularly disinterested body.

Can we please move on? There’s no show any longer, and I would like to find greener grass. No offense, chicken, but you are not the most interesting thing in the meadow. This grass has more to offer.

She had stopped listening and was trying to find the right mental phrases to accomplish a ten step trip down the dirt road.

It's back! Previous wonderland posts: one, two, & three

locked in

So tell me about you. What do you like to do. Where do you hang out. What is your favourite place you've ever been?

I've never been off the island.

Never?

Nope.

But you've been to The City, right?

Nope.

What? Why?

Why would I need to leave? Everything I need is here.

But... the world is so much bigger than Long Island. Soooooo much bigger. Never? Really really never? Like your parents didn't take you to the Met? Your school didn't take you in to see ... well, anything?

No. It's not that big a deal.

Of course it is. It's the thing you chose to tell me of all the things you could have told me.

Yeah. It's usually the one that gets a reaction.

I bet.

Yours though seems to be particularly ... surprised.

You're nearly 40, and of the entire world, you have chosen to only see the few miles around where you were born.

Yes.

Are you proud of that?

Yes.

Why?

Because it's my home and I know everything about it.

Like where every nail salon is?

Okay. It was nice meeting you, but this isn't going to work. Have a good evening.

See ya. (pause) Crazy.

~~~~~~~~

So tell me about you. What do you like to do. Where do you hang out. What is your favourite place you've ever been?

I've never been off the island.

Never?

Nope.

But you've been to The City, right?

Nope.

Any particular reason why?

I just haven't been. I love Long Island and never have found a compelling need to leave.

Oh.

Think I'm weird?

Truthfully, yes. I love seeing new places, getting away from home. I - I guess I'm having trouble understanding not needing to see more of the world.

Well...

I'm not trying to be mean. I'm processing I guess.

Yeah. Well, while you process, I'm going to get going. It was nice meeting you. Maybe I'll see you around sometime?

Probably not. I only came out here for this. I hardly ever get out to Long Island. Unless there is a reason.

Ah. Okay. Well, goodnight.

Goodnight. (pause) Weird.

~~~~~~~

So tell me about you. What do you like to do. Where do you hang out. What is your favourite place you've ever been?

I've never been off the island.

Never?

Nope.

But you've been to The City, right?

Nope.

Well, let's go!

What?

Let's go. Come on. I'll show you around.

Wait. I...

It's a great place. So much to see.

I'm not sure I

It'll be great. Do you like museums? Theatre? Music? What kind of food do you like?

I don't think

What?

We just met. I don't think it's a good idea.

Oh. Yeah, I'm sorry.

Also, I like Long Island. Let's just do something around here.

Okay. What would like to do?

Go watch the sun set over the Atlantic.

Sounds great.

Great.

Maybe next time, you could come to Brooklyn or Manhattan?

Maybe. We'll see.

I mean, you can't not want to see more than Long Island, right?

I don't know. It's been fine for me so far.

Oh.

Shall we?

Sure.

I heard this girl at my school once say that she had never been off Long Island, not even to NYC, and that she had no desire to ever go. I was trying here to find a way to empathize with her, or at least understand, but I could just find three different ways of ending up back at judgmental.

untitled

Until the coffee kicks in, I think you should shut the hell up!

What the ...

Seriously. I will punch you in the nose. I need a half an hour of quiet.

Late night? Gets popped on the nose. Not hard, more of a warning. Guess so. Whatever.

Walks away. Sits quietly for a few minutes before starting to tap on the table. It's not tooooo annoying, but then starts humming (possibly the song that never ends). After a little bit, starts dancing in the chair getting more and more in to it. Realizes that this is probably just as annoying as the talking, so brings it down a few notches and moves away from the Anger Ball of Hangover.

ABofH starts taping quietly. Slowly gets into the same humming, dancing fun of the Musician of ADD. It's like they are doing a round with dancing!

Okay. I think I'm good.

Cool. So, how was your night? And why wasn't I invited.

It was a Baptist wedding. No dancing.

No fun. Wait, so why are you hungover?

Wherever I go, I bring the fun.

Except when hungover.

Except when hungover.

How long before they kicked you out?

I made it through the best man's toast!

Nice!

They did not appreciate my interpretation of the toast. I made it into a song and added a few choice words.

You really shouldn't cuss at a wedding.

Baptists + whiskey = F-bomb Extravaganza!

I always new math was good for something.

I am really tired today, but I got a post up! Hopefully next week will have some better stuff.

cleaning raining

Kitchen cleaners smell odd, but bathroom cleaners smell fine. I think it's because that many chemicals in the kitchen bothers me, but for the bathroom I want some serious microbial death.

The sky is blue with touches of white.

You've said that 70 something times since we sat down. I'm talking about important things here.

The touches of white make the sky easier to take. Without them, it looks like it is coming after you. Then I panic.

I guess. What about dusters? I hate dusting, but they have this new Swiffer duster and the lady on the commercial looks like she's having so much fun. I wonder if it has a scent. Sometimes, they put too much smell in it, and with all the other cleaning products like the carpet powder, my living room gives me a headache. Probably because my nose can't pick out what is important.

During a thunderstorm though, I don't panic. The thunder is a speech, and the lightening is movie. I sit at my window as long as I can. Sometimes I have to go to sleep, but not always. Watching the storm from start to finish is my favorite thing, I think.

I don't like storms. Did you know they have this new rain scented detergent? Actually I washed this dress in it. Smell. Isn't that nice?

I like the way the world smells after it rains. It smells dirty. If you can be outside right right right after a storm, the grass is a completely different green than normal. Most of the colors are, but the grass is the most noticeable.

Are you ignoring me?

If the rain is light, then it's nice to be out in it, especially during the summer. If it is pouring, it's not terrible to be out in it, but it's not as nice. Also, it's bad if you have some place to go. People will understand, but it's better to have an umbrella.

What are you talking about?

The Rain Character takes out an umbrella, opens it, and maybe shares it. As soon as the umbrella is open, it begins to pour.

Thanks to KS for the line inspiration for today!

don't look them in the eyes

Small children everywhere.
Just stay calm.
But they have grimey hands and squeals that could break glass. Is there somewhere I could go to just hide out for awhile?
No.
But -
Josh. This is a daycare.
There has to be an office or something.
You're the painting teacher and class starts in 5 minutes.
I know. I just didn't realize -
- that there would be kids?
That they'd be this young.
When I said we need someone to teach finger painting at my daycare, what age did you really imagine?
Like 8 or 9. I've completely lost touch with my childhood.
Pretty much. Lacy! Roger's shirt is not the correct place to put your boogers!
Oh god.

I imagine throughout the dialogue, children keep running up to Josh and tagging him, running through his legs, and other things like that. Like cats, they know the person who is allergic and will beeline right for her/him.

no more muffins

I had an English muffin for breakfast.

I thought you were trying to quit.

I was. I am. I was just one. I have it under control.

Then why are you being so flippant about it.

I'm not. I am fully aware of the possible ramifications of my English muffin. That is why I'm telling you. Why I'm reaching out. I want to make sure that I don't go down that road again.

Of course. First things first, we have to throw out the rest of the muffins.

But... I can handle it. It's fine. They'll just be there to remind me why I'm quitting.

No. If you're going to do this, you have to do it right.

Fine. We should probably throw out the jams too.

Already on the list. Now, give me your phone.

What are you doing?

Deleting the Muffin Man's number.

Not the Muffin Man!!!

So I'm off the filler poetry for when I'm busy. I'm going for filler dialogue. Let me know what you think! Also, I'm hitting the part of my not-drinking phase where I'm seriously annoyed at not drinking (like, I want a glass of wine with dinner), so as I've said before, I work things out through writing. Thanks to GH for the opening line!

phone conversation

It's your face. I don't know what else to say. It's your face.
What do you mean?
Your face. That's why I'm doing this.
That doesn't make any sense at all.
Why? Your face makes me steal cars. Shitty ones. The ones that no one else will steal.
You're an idiot.
True.
My face makes you steal shitty cars?
Also true.
What do you do with the cars?
Torch them. But that's because of your ass.
My face makes you steal. My ass makes you light fires. Is that supposed to win me over?
No. Just make you feel special.
Mostly I feel creeped out.
But you feel something.
Yes.

What does my hair make you do?
Pardon?
My hair. Does it inspire anything?
Your hair... Hmmm. I've never thought about your hair before... buuuuut I suddenly have an urge to...
Yes?
Eat snack cakes until I throw up.
Ew.
You asked.
Keep that one to yourself.
Okay. Your fingernails make me sing Ave Maria. I think it's the star on the right pinky. And your toes - well, I have to control the chicken noises. People might think I'm strange.
They would be right.



What are you thinking about?
Your face.
Any good cars in the parking lot?
It's Walmart.
What time do you get off?
In about an hour.
Can I come with you?
I don't know. With your whole body there, things could get krazy.
Please?
Okay. But only as long as you promise to shake your ass to my Ave Maria Chicken when I torch it.
Deal.

This started with me having Rae Spoon's I'll Be a Ghost For You stuck in my head. Again, you just have to let things go where they want. It definitely needs some work, but it's a start. (I am starting to feel like an absent father with my continued promises to get Wonderland on here. But it will happen ... soon?)

International Women's Day!

"Missing:" A message video by UNICEF about Maternal Mortality from Big Yellow Taxi on Vimeo.

Via Feministing

knowledge and action are important

and for watching, here are puppy pics!

Ginny Cheeto knows how to make people happy.

thursday night in texas

a honkytonk beach bar dive
into the center
of brother's location
lost between dogfights
exes
trying different hims
looking for stable land
knowing again how
to see and understand
everything
i drive
enable
listen
coexist
in the outbursts
in the laughter
waiting for him
to match my him
or for mine to find
his

I love journeys, internal and external. The long one I've been on is making a wide and major turn. I hope that my own experience being lost can be a help or a light on other journeys. So this poem comes from there and from a night out with my brother.

another poem

Three hundred balloons
Yellow Green Blue
Choke the sky

Sounds of laughter
ear-splittingly loud
brighten the sun

A lonely person
stretched on the grass
Whistles at the games

The pain of the
blooming trees
balances the melting snow

I'm visiting my folks for the next few days. I really will work on Wonderland. I will. Hopefully now that I've got a few days away from the 9-5, that'll be easier to accomplish.

for me

give me promises

give me words

give me kindness

give me secrets

give me looks

give me joy

give me promises

I am trying to figure out what goes between those lines, but they are hiding at the moment. So, Reader, now's the time to use your subtext!

dream an infinite dream

She closed her eyes and began the dream.

A meadow of myriad greens waved to her, beckoning her to run in. In the middle, a bushy tailed squirrel paused to contemplate the nut in his mouth. She took off toward it. The cat always told her to have patience, to take her time, be sneakier.

The cat was a bitch.

The squirrel caught sight and smell of the charging mass and tore to and up the first tree he saw.

Why! Don't! You! Come! Down! barked the dog.

NothanksI'mjustfineuphere.

Fine!

She trotted back into the meadow, and a great itch started attacked her back. Her teeth couldn't quite reach, but just ahead was the perfect patch of dirt. Nothing beats the scratching power of your back on the dirt.

My dog is getting old. This is the start of what I imagine Doggy Heaven to be for her.

sick poetry

I've been under
the weather

wonderland
will have to wait

headaches & bellyaches
make travel so

inconvenient

I have not felt well for the last few days. So here's a poem to hold us over.