panic

Your severe disregard for the normal way of doing things is giving me panic attacks.

That is the definition of a personal problem

Don't you think that you should help me out by trying to toe the line just a little bit more.

Maybe you wouldn't have those attacks if you didn't care about the line so much.

So that's where we are?

Yes.

Well, fuck you.

Who are these characters? What is there relationship? Let's write a group story!

unused, useful parts

she cleans my third eye with two simple kisses everyday. it's a sanity keeping ritual we have. she feels connected to me, even though i'm gone more than i'm home, and i know that she still loves me.

i have something similar. he leaves his socks on the floor, and i pick them up. they smell of buttered popcorn and mean love.

that might not be the same thing.

i said similar. our daily crazy making ritual! he makes a mess of the house. i clean it up. he watches television. i cook dinner. he embarrasses me in front of my friends, and i apologize and plan great dinner parties to give him just one more chance to fuck them up.

you need a new boyfriend.

husband. this is massachusetts. we're allowed to get married here.

oh. right. did i get that invitation?

there wasn't an invitation. it's apparently bourgeois, like keeping a job for more than 6 months. we just marched our sweet, drunk selves down to the court house and got ourselves hitched. now we get to live in domestic bliss. you and your ladyfriend should do it while you're here! new york recognizes them, you know.

yeeees. i know. i don't think we're there yet. i'm not sure i even want the whole marriage thing. it's so breeder.

oh that reminds me. have you ever thought about being surrogate?

no.

well, we were wondering -

no. i mean. yes, i've thought about it. no, i don't want to do it.

you'd be perfect. we look similar. you could be the wicked cool aunt in NYC.

yeah, no. not interested in renting out the uterus. sorry.

but you're not using it! loan it out to someone that needs it.

my feminist is flaring up.

why?

she's about to explode.

okay. okay. calm her down. "no" it is. but if you change your mind.

no.

okay. jesus. [long, awkward pause] how much longer before they start the show?

I've been asked by a couple of friends to one day be their surrogate. ACK!

growing things

the tomato is overtaking its stake. the parsley is straining to reach light, real light. the cilantro has come back from the brink of death, and the sage does not know how not to grow. the balance of water and food and light and shade is nearly impossible to maintain when you decide to plant everything together. but i guess they know what's was strong. what survives will only be the best. except that i killed something from overwatering one week and something else from underwatering the next week. i think i may have found the balance. it's stressful being this observant. i definitely should not have children.

how so?

if i can't keep a bunch of freakin' plants alive, how can i be trusted with something as important as a child?

children at least make noise when something is wrong. you have a cat, though.

two of them.

right. and how are they?

fine. they need some more mommy time, but fine other than that.

so there you go. you can have kids.

because my cats are lonely but fed?

pretty much.

what about the emotional part of it?

you're going to fuck up your kids somehow. there is no use stressing over it. they'll either love you or hate you in the end.

you should write a book.

ha. ha. why worry about fucking up some non-existent future grown child of yours? maybe it all turns out okay. maybe it's 50/50 or 80/20.

maybe it's just a shitload of therapy.

right. so not so bad. plus kids can be a lot of fun.

and headaches.

but joy!

you want to have a baby, don't you?

yes. specifically i want to have one with you.

we don't even live together.

i know. i don't want one now. but i want to move in together. get "married" or whatever. and have a baby. or adopt a child. i want us to be parents.

i don't...

i know.

then why...

i'm hoping that you'll just think about it. you hardly ever talk about what you want out of this relationship. you know exactly what you want out of your work, but ... what about us?

i don't know.

so think about it and let me know?

okay.

a simple kiss

what's on the menu tonight?

something with tomato and sage, it looks like.

My tomato plant nearly fell over today. It is now tied to the rail on my roof.

the dénouement

SHE
i think it was a successful holiday, don't you.

KATE
yes.

SHE
we didn't do too much, really, but that's kind of the point, right? to take a day, relax, remember that you aren't at work

KATE
or school

SHE
yes, or school. still, we got a bit done. i'm going to sleep well tonight, i can tell you that.

KATE
and a hundred other things, i'm sure.

SHE
what was that?

KATE
you've been talking for hours about how relaxing and yet productive the long weekend was. i'm tired and ready for bed. can we just leave this stuff to tomorrow?

SHE
it's fine; i'll take care of it. go lay down.

KATE
i want you to come with me.

SHE
no. i need everything to be put away. if i don't do it now, i just won't get to it for weeks. it's really okay. go to bed.

KATE
would you like company while you finish? i could sit and listen.

SHE
you sure that you want to hear me go on and on about the weekend?

KATE
or something else.

SHE
just go to bed. i'll be there in an hour.

KATE
an hour?

SHE
email or maybe i just want a second to myself. good night.

KATE
g'night.

after kate leaves, she climbs up and unscrews the busted lightbulb. she gets down and wraps it in a kitchen towel. she breaks it with her hands, face set in a silent scream that looks ear-piercing. she shakes the bits into the trashcan, drops the towel in the laundry and exits.

I hope everyone had a good holiday. I'm trying not to be tired, but I didn't get as much sleep as I had planned over the three days. Cats are not good alarms.

in the cab

TOM

here's a question: does Jerrod ever dress up? i mean he looks like he just rolled out of bed, went to the gym, and came to the party. all the time. there is no difference, from what i see, between work and play and my party. not that i care really what someone looks like or wears or whatever, but, you know, i just noticed. did he not have a clue as to the type of event this was? again, i don't care, but was, you know, wondering.

MAX

he dresses up. i think that he just didn't really know what the dress code for tonight was. i mean, he said to me when he saw what we were all wearing, "oh, i feel a bit out of place." so yeah, he knows. but i mean, he dressed up for that office party last year. you remember?

TOM

yeah, i guess. it just seems like he's always in the same thing. cut-off sweatpants and a t-shirt. such a tomboy, that one. not that i care. nothing wrong with that or whatever. it's just ... whatever. are we home yet?

MAX

almost. can you take a left at the light? we're about three quarters of the way down on the right. thank you.

I get so tickled when people keep saying that they don't care about something but the rest of the conversation is about that thing.

nice cans

A walks in to B stabbing the hell out of a can of something.

A

what the hell are you doing?

B

the can opener broke.

A

you're going to stab yourself. stop! we can go get another can opener.

B

i need it now.

A

for...

B

for this. B shows A the can.

A

that is the most disgusting thing i've ever seen.

B

i know. that's why i bought it. that's why i have to get in to it right now.

A

why?

B

because does it really look like the picture? is that what's really in here? i have to know. also, it's canned. can there be that much demand? where do they package this stuff? oh, nebraska. that makes sense. how many pigs do you think they go through a day?

A

why didn't you just Google it?

B

this is real. right here. me, the pairing knife, and this can. this fucking can that i can't get open. help me. you know you want to see this.

A

i've got something. i'll be right back. A exits then reenters with one of those can cut through anything infomercial gadgets. here.

B

where did you get this?

A

...QVC.

B

QVC? i thought you quit. for chrissake's, you're in a twelve step program.

A

it was one thing. i had a little freak out. it was nearly a year ago. and it's a good thing too, because otherwise you couldn't get that can open.

B

you sure there aren't hundreds of knickknacks hidden around this place? because you know i have to go look now.

A

i'm sure. it was just that one time. promise.

B

okay. give me those.

A

they cut through cans. they showed it on t.v.

B

B sighs a sigh that says "you are not helping your cause" and then gets the can opened. oh. that is just gross.

A

let me see. oh god. i ... think i'm going to be sick, but

A&B

i want to try it.

B

i'll get the pan.

Today's story was inspired by this:

Apologies to the folks out there that like pork brains in milk gravy. I'm a vegetarian, so this... isn't on the menu for me.

cyberspace is flat & i've fallen off the edge

could you please put the computer down for at least five minutes? maybe ten and pay attention to me? please.

just a second. i'm almost done.

right. you're always almost done. it's the internet! there is no "done".

seriously, i have almost reached the end of Twitter. look! see, i'm on page... well there are no pages, but i've been clicking the damn thing for nearly 5 days straight at 3 clicks every 2 minutes. there is no way it can go on much longer.

and then you'll have to catch up with the new stuff that was added.

no. i'm actually annoyed with the thing now. i can't wait to get to the end so i never have to check the site again.

just give it up now.

no.

what would change, what would be missing if you didn't finish it?

i can't stop. it's just... no. not possible. it's making me tense just thinking about it.

you can do it. just take your hand off the mouse, sit up straight, blink and look around the room.

i'm almost there.

no, you're not. you need to walk away.

i swear, just 30 minutes more. maybe an hour. i'm almost there. i'm really really really close.

you need to eat something. you need to sleep. you really need to take a shower. change clothes? wouldn't it be nice to stand up for a couple of minutes? the sun is still shining. you could go outside and play with the dog.

i have a dog?

no, not a real one. but you think i'm talking to you, and i'm your cat. so please, for both our sakes, walk away from this stupid task, clean yourself up, and give me some belly rubs!

i...

i'm a talking cat. a talking. cat.

she starts to stand up but looks back at the screen and sits back down.

if i'm not done in 39 minutes, you are allowed to attack me.

i'm going to go piss on your furniture. have a good night.

My cat hates my computer. If I ever try to read all of Twitter, she has every right to take out my furniture in whatever way she sees fit. It would be for my own good.

the hair on your face

you seriously have to do something about your eyebrows.

what?

they are so distracting. i'm sitting here. i'm trying to listen to what you have to say, but all i can focus on is EYEBROWS EYEBROWS EYEBROWS.

how are my eyebrows distracting? i don't even notice them.

that's obvious. those things are practically alive, and they are taking over your face. you need to get waxed.

i'm not getting waxed.

well, pluck then.

no. i'm not getting waxed or plucking or shaving. do people even shave their eyebrows?

yes, but you need to figure something out. i don't think i can hang out with you and your two friends. they are almost touching your lashes. in a week or so, you'll be able to braid them together and never blink again.

gross.

that's my point.

dude. i'm not going to ...

shut up with "i'm not going to". it's not an option. personal grooming is very important.

i know it is, but that kind of stuff is optional.

not for you it isn't. it's not like your the only one out there. man-scaping is the new thing. masculine and clean. plus you have great eyes. why hide them behind an ever growing forest of hair?

... thanks?

when was the last time you had a date?

couple of weeks ago.

how did it go?

short.

when was the last time you slept with someone?

uh...

okay. we're going to my waxer. he's quick. relatively painless. though you're a virgin so it might not...

i'm not a

at waxing! anyway. he's great. not too expensive, and if he can't stop your brows from conquering your face, then ... i don't know. i guess the next step is prayer.

i still don't think this is a good idea. i ...

why?

because it's not natural.

you are not a hippie.

no. but

don't be afraid. look you are well kempt with your clothes and hair and all that. you're teetering on full on metrosexual anyway; you might as well match the brows to the style, right?

i guess. will you ... go with me?

honey, i wouldn't miss it. i've never seen real magic before; this might be my only chance.

I think I'm going to go check my brows now. Thanks to KF & RI for the inspiration for this. Quick question: what gender do you think these characters are (if any)?

the mta is the uber-taint

i think the mta is a bunch of sadistic fucks.

you and everyone else.

the alerts they send are either annoying or not useful.

yes.

and i can't tell you how many days i've rushed out of my house when i wanted to sleep a little longer just to end up standing on a platform for forever and end up late to work anyway.

me too.

if i'm going to be late, i'd rather get the sleep.

but you wouldn't have the good excuse.

true. (pause) and the fare increases! what the fuck? i'm going to have to pay more to get crappier service.

i know.

i'm getting a bike. i'm just going to ride to work. all the other hipsters are doing it. i'll take the train when the weather sucks.

which for you is any time it's below 50.

i'll get use to it.

sure.

why can't it just work the way i want it to!

Well, I had a shitty commute this morning. How are you doing?

untitled

Until the coffee kicks in, I think you should shut the hell up!

What the ...

Seriously. I will punch you in the nose. I need a half an hour of quiet.

Late night? Gets popped on the nose. Not hard, more of a warning. Guess so. Whatever.

Walks away. Sits quietly for a few minutes before starting to tap on the table. It's not tooooo annoying, but then starts humming (possibly the song that never ends). After a little bit, starts dancing in the chair getting more and more in to it. Realizes that this is probably just as annoying as the talking, so brings it down a few notches and moves away from the Anger Ball of Hangover.

ABofH starts taping quietly. Slowly gets into the same humming, dancing fun of the Musician of ADD. It's like they are doing a round with dancing!

Okay. I think I'm good.

Cool. So, how was your night? And why wasn't I invited.

It was a Baptist wedding. No dancing.

No fun. Wait, so why are you hungover?

Wherever I go, I bring the fun.

Except when hungover.

Except when hungover.

How long before they kicked you out?

I made it through the best man's toast!

Nice!

They did not appreciate my interpretation of the toast. I made it into a song and added a few choice words.

You really shouldn't cuss at a wedding.

Baptists + whiskey = F-bomb Extravaganza!

I always new math was good for something.

I am really tired today, but I got a post up! Hopefully next week will have some better stuff.

cleaning raining

Kitchen cleaners smell odd, but bathroom cleaners smell fine. I think it's because that many chemicals in the kitchen bothers me, but for the bathroom I want some serious microbial death.

The sky is blue with touches of white.

You've said that 70 something times since we sat down. I'm talking about important things here.

The touches of white make the sky easier to take. Without them, it looks like it is coming after you. Then I panic.

I guess. What about dusters? I hate dusting, but they have this new Swiffer duster and the lady on the commercial looks like she's having so much fun. I wonder if it has a scent. Sometimes, they put too much smell in it, and with all the other cleaning products like the carpet powder, my living room gives me a headache. Probably because my nose can't pick out what is important.

During a thunderstorm though, I don't panic. The thunder is a speech, and the lightening is movie. I sit at my window as long as I can. Sometimes I have to go to sleep, but not always. Watching the storm from start to finish is my favorite thing, I think.

I don't like storms. Did you know they have this new rain scented detergent? Actually I washed this dress in it. Smell. Isn't that nice?

I like the way the world smells after it rains. It smells dirty. If you can be outside right right right after a storm, the grass is a completely different green than normal. Most of the colors are, but the grass is the most noticeable.

Are you ignoring me?

If the rain is light, then it's nice to be out in it, especially during the summer. If it is pouring, it's not terrible to be out in it, but it's not as nice. Also, it's bad if you have some place to go. People will understand, but it's better to have an umbrella.

What are you talking about?

The Rain Character takes out an umbrella, opens it, and maybe shares it. As soon as the umbrella is open, it begins to pour.

Thanks to KS for the line inspiration for today!

don't look them in the eyes

Small children everywhere.
Just stay calm.
But they have grimey hands and squeals that could break glass. Is there somewhere I could go to just hide out for awhile?
No.
But -
Josh. This is a daycare.
There has to be an office or something.
You're the painting teacher and class starts in 5 minutes.
I know. I just didn't realize -
- that there would be kids?
That they'd be this young.
When I said we need someone to teach finger painting at my daycare, what age did you really imagine?
Like 8 or 9. I've completely lost touch with my childhood.
Pretty much. Lacy! Roger's shirt is not the correct place to put your boogers!
Oh god.

I imagine throughout the dialogue, children keep running up to Josh and tagging him, running through his legs, and other things like that. Like cats, they know the person who is allergic and will beeline right for her/him.

no more muffins

I had an English muffin for breakfast.

I thought you were trying to quit.

I was. I am. I was just one. I have it under control.

Then why are you being so flippant about it.

I'm not. I am fully aware of the possible ramifications of my English muffin. That is why I'm telling you. Why I'm reaching out. I want to make sure that I don't go down that road again.

Of course. First things first, we have to throw out the rest of the muffins.

But... I can handle it. It's fine. They'll just be there to remind me why I'm quitting.

No. If you're going to do this, you have to do it right.

Fine. We should probably throw out the jams too.

Already on the list. Now, give me your phone.

What are you doing?

Deleting the Muffin Man's number.

Not the Muffin Man!!!

So I'm off the filler poetry for when I'm busy. I'm going for filler dialogue. Let me know what you think! Also, I'm hitting the part of my not-drinking phase where I'm seriously annoyed at not drinking (like, I want a glass of wine with dinner), so as I've said before, I work things out through writing. Thanks to GH for the opening line!