don't wait on cupcake

choosing what has to wait
the mark of an adult

something that i hate

what has to wait
is definitely not the cupcake

After some (read: a lot) prodding by GH, I made (more) cupcakes last night and iced them at the office. I am now covered in buttercream frosting. It's the new Friday look.

her

She had eyes that needed to please and a face faking happiness until it was felt. The summer had been crazy. I was lost in myself, running from my soul, and she was there. Deep in a corner of the bar, laughing at some joke or some thought or some sight. I always loved that laugh; the one part of her she allowed to be genuine and unhindered. A drink offered, a kiss taken, and we began.

Working through missing some people. Working through some past sadness. I would say regret, but I do not believe in regret.

how to change your life in eight hours

I have never felt this good in my life, friends. I have been down, kicked around, spat upon, and all by my own doing. I have sinned. I have sinned. I have sinned against myself, against my fellow people, against the world. I have sinned in my thoughts and in my actions. I've been bad, friends. I have been to the edge, but I am back. There is a redeemer! A secret to changing your life! And that secret is ... sleep. Friends, there ain't nothing that can change your world like a good night's sleep. You have to commit, commit to those 8 hours. That's not a lot. Sleep ain't asking for your whole day. Eight hours, friends, to be a better person. Now I've been there. I've been out into the wee hours. I've been lost in the drinking and the drugs and the sex. I've stumbled home as the sun came up, and I've gone to work still drunk. I've been lost in that hazy woods. There is a way out. Sleep. Lay down your burdens! Give your problems over to that little death, and you will be reborn! Amen.

I did not get my whole 8 hours (Humidity!), but I definitely feel like a different person from yesterday. Damn, I was tired.

clues

start the contest at the top of the hour
placed bets frozen, waiting
every eye upon the stage
lady, you can do it
lady, you can win
almost there
taste the victory
right out of, of reach
it wants you, needs you, calls you
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Happy 2nd Monthly Big Gay Spelling Bee! My spelling name is in the piece. Do you know what it is?

the replacement

Cut to Office Kitchen.

Enter The Intern. Looks at fruit basket. Looks around kitchen. Visibly disappointed. Opens the refrigerator, moves a few things around. Checks a promising but much too small bag. Grabs week old cream cheese, considers it, and puts it back. Opens each cabinet quickly, leaving the doors open. Looks in the sink. Opens the microwave and slams the door shut. Opens the dishwasher. Nothing. Looks at the fruit. Grabs an apple and some grapes. Takes a big bite of the apple. Is exiting when The Boss steps in to the doorway.

The Boss

Whaaaaat? Where are the bagels? The Intern Shrugs and scoots by The Boss.

Here is a bit more. I'm getting a little stuck. I should probably write out the whole scene regardless of where it goes.

solving problems

need more time to parse out the details
brain ran one way but now lost the track
a little more time
just a little
always asking behind the question
vacation holiday run away emigrate
new a new new new something
not this
that embarrasses or frowns or kills
Houdini travels in reinvented masks
melting down under the heat of years

I know, I know. I promised a continuation. It'll come!

the missing bagels (a start)

Close up of a computer screen. On it is an Outlook email. It says:

Friday Bagels are here. They are located in the kitchen. Please clean up any crumbs you get on the lunch tables.

Thank you,
HR

Cut to kitchen. On the table is a large fruit basket. No bagels in site.

Announcer

We've secretly replaced the Friday Bagels with a Large Fruit Basket. Let us see what happens next.

Um, excuse me. Excuse me?

Cut to cj rené sitting at the computer typing this script.

cj rené

What?! Oh. Aren't you supposed to be announcing?

Announcer

Well, yes, but -

cj rené

But...

Announcer

I think you are missing the point of a "Replacement Bit".

cj rené

Am I?

Announcer

I think so, yes.

cj rené

Okay, Announcer Person. Why don't we just wait until the end of the scene to see if I've missed the point?


This is a start. More tomorrow (unless I forget. Then more when I remember! Remember, you could always remind me).

wet summer night

collards on the kettle
see the boil
tripping bubbles heat the hottest air
a/c desired
a/c denied
cold lives on the bus the subway the office

ready

she looks with longing
eyes beyond the window pulsing
the beat of rain
osmotic air over a shoulder
beads of water growing growing leaving cooling
quick lightening light sends her back to bed

waiting

I got all of my cooking done. I made 5 things and only one was... not good. I'll call it success.

within me change

angry emails written
never sent
fights worth having
swallowed
trust worth building
lost

living close to yes
where hidden stays desire
self and need
absorbed into the landscape
forgotten
or remembered
taken for granted

asking for justice equity respect

start at home

Too much for me to explain.

good morning, monday

what did i do
that made my body so tired
so sleepy
so unable to get by
on five hours
the weekend was not
especially hard
or active
perhaps the sun that burned
the top of my torso
has increased the need
for rest
and healing
or the hormone fluctuations
that make simple disappointments explode
into tears of utter loneliness
could that be it?

Usually going to bed at midnight is enough for me to wake up rested, especially on a Monday. Apparently this is not a hard and fast rule.

mornings at the desk

Good morning, Rubber Band Balls. How are you this morning? Yes, this is my cereal. I know. It doesn’t sound very appetizing at all. All Natural Multibran Flax Flakes. It's not too bad though. I'm not very keen on this almond milk. It tastes... I don't know. It's just not what I wanted. I love rice milk. That's my favourite. Well, milk milk is my favourite, but it makes me gassy. So here we are. Yeah, soy milk is good too, but I think I get too much soy in my diet so I'm trying to cut - Shit! How fucking hard is it too pour cereal into a bowl?! Really fucking hard apparently. Now I have to clean. ARRRR! I will not let this ruin my day. I am going to have a good day. It was just an accident. I just have to clean it up. No, Bobble Head Freud, my father did not spank me for spilling cereal that then launched me into an Elektra Complex. Or an Oedipal one. Oh god! For the last time, I Will Not Tell You About My Sex Life! Why don't you just go behind the monitor and snort some blow and leave me alone. What? Are you crying?! Like a baby?!

Oh. You are crying. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled. Yes, I know. Freuds have feelings too. It's okay. Well, I think that people only play with the Rubber Band Balls because they are within reach, you know? I don't think it has anything to do with you. Really. Do you want me to switch you? I could do that. Okay. There. You can sit by World Paperweight. How is that?

Guys. Shut up. I know. You never complain. People like you. Yeah yeah yeah. But he's been having a rough go of it. It's just temporary. I'll move you back later. I don't know. Later. What? Do you all want to be together? Okay fine. Now I don't want to hear anything out of any of you all day. Got it? Otherwise, you are all going in the drawer with the ketchup. Okay. I have to login.

I had to write this twice this morning, because Blogger decided to delete the first draft. Yay. In case you were wondering, also on my desk is Cat Butt Airfreshner. I imagine it farting (not loudly, but like those air freshener machines) at the end of this.

always fighting

never give up
never stop
keep going
take even moment and lose

they will not stop
they do not even know that they are fighting
so ingrained
so rote
they hold you down
and call it life
nature

you are the survivor
if you never stop

There are days when I know how lucky I am to have a such a good support group.

she grew to manhood

Wizards and warriors flew through her head
Sugarplums and princesses far far away
and long ago
she stood strong with her fleet, her army
solidly on two feet, the whole foot engaged with the ground
the days behind her had made the girl she was
into the man she is
there was a time for sweet, pink things
the season of assertion and confidence had come

This reads a bit too much like male = strong. It's not so much what I mean, but the images of male/strength & girl/sensitive are lodged in my head. I am making it a goal now to play with how that works, both in life & in language.

everybody's got one

my opinions do matter
what they say
only so far though
questions 7 & 8 are not for me
maybe not for you
for them
over there
the square pegs in square holes
straight & narrow
and loaded

I'm really hoping to catch up on sleep soon. Perhaps I should start scheduling that as well.

no butt floss in punk rope

It was Punk Rope, so the thong had to go. There was no need to be any more uncomfortable than necessary; Suzuki spirit be damned. Why the thong anyway? As soon as it was off... nothing. It felt 99% the same off as on. It was for show or the last vestige of the chastity belt. Never again. This time was the last time it or any other "pretend" underpants would be worn. There were hair accessories with more fabric.

I wore a thong with a dress last week. I'm still not sure why I did not just go commando.

the weak ends

the weak ends
thin draws on
comments unwanted
advice unheeded
threats looming
change to come
cannot occur
without the consent
of the changelings

Have a great weekend!

hahaha

can i have 2 or 3 more hours in the day?
kthxbai
can i be challenged and stimulated at my job?
lol
can i have passion and surprises and excitement?
omg
can i step away from this computer?
nsfw

I was going to write about something based on tonight's Punk Rope class. Maybe tomorrow...

new ways

Their sponteneity had been relagated to the weekends. That is how they knew they were old. Growing up. Growing up. Whatever. Every night used to be an adventure. It would start the same but the endings were the surprise. Somewhere around twenty-six or twenty-seven sleep moved up in the priority list along with holding down a job, like a cars passing on the highway. For a moment, their crazy and their responsibility rode side by side, but the latter had pulled ahead. Looks in the rearview were infrequent, but they were long. Life had become routine and full. And good. Yes. The edge was missing. The surprise was missing. The stories were missing. When they had time think about it, their minds split between recapturing that fire and knowing that they did not want to jeopardize this new path. But they needed a spark.

I'm a little too scheduled at the moment, as you can probably tell by the way I'm starting stories and not finishing them!

houston?

Maggie was not excited. Why were they going to Houston? What was in Houston that was not in New York?

"Your Nana and Papaw."

Whatever. They should just come here. Blah blah everyone is there. Hello?! Are they blind? New York is a way better place to spend the holidays.

"I need a break from the weather."

She didn't. This was her weather. Her coat was perfect. She had gained a few pounds and filled out that flabby belly. She looked great. Houston was just going to send her into premature spring, and then she would get back here and have to start all over and be FREEZING while her body caught up.

"The tickets have already been bought. Sorry. Maybe if you learned to clean up after yourself or do some chores, I would consider your opinion when making travel plans."

It always came back to that. Housework was so far beneath Maggie, she did not even respond. She merely walked to her litterbox and let what came out speak for her.

My cat has sass, y'all.

internal insurgency

She sat mindlessly stroking the doll's hair. A frozen grimace attempted to pass for joy. Her father's voice repeated in her mind the demand that she be grateful for her gifts. Baby Brother Brat was setting up his railroad. He was doing it wrong! Everytime she tried to help, "Let him alone. He can do it.", and the doll was thrust back in to her hands.

She hated that doll. She hated all dolls. What she wanted was a stuff animal. Why didn't anyone ever listen to her? The one at the zoo that her mother refused to buy her then. That was what she wanted. A tiger with fierce but playful eyes. Something strong. This stupid toy pooped its pants! The doll took flight across the room, and she stomped upstairs. Her grandmother saying just within earshot, "Ungrateful." One more word to add to the list of adjectives: bossy, stubborn, difficult, and ungrateful. By year's end she probably would be able to get a few more added. These words were badges to her. Her family, peers, and teachers all tried to bend her and mold her to some unexplainable and ill-fitting shape. These words marked her resistance.

I have had those words applied to me as well as smartass, bitch, and feminazi. People are so nice.

independence

a day without working
the to-dos piled up
but i just want to
sit in the sun
and read read read
until my book is done


Have a happy t4h!

office revere

the bagels are coming with the revolution
riding through broken streets
cracked corners
"To Arms!" lost under a storm of firecrackers
or gunfire
lost in Atkins
angry and violent without any goal

the bagels are coming with the revolution
carboloaded food comas
siestas
think, plan
slather and schmear the cream cheese on
dreaming of change
cannot wait until they get here

It's bagel day at the office! I forgot to get my fake cream cheese. I'm going to need to run out.

*again working

lightly sweeping fingers hide the place behind them
a kept villa lost from rule
instantaneous effemeral
the mother smiles over laundry folded in its basket steps out of her life into the next
beak breaks the fragile, red tomato
devours the flesh and the future
delivers tomorrow to the world next door

It's just something. A late something!