nice cans

A walks in to B stabbing the hell out of a can of something.

A

what the hell are you doing?

B

the can opener broke.

A

you're going to stab yourself. stop! we can go get another can opener.

B

i need it now.

A

for...

B

for this. B shows A the can.

A

that is the most disgusting thing i've ever seen.

B

i know. that's why i bought it. that's why i have to get in to it right now.

A

why?

B

because does it really look like the picture? is that what's really in here? i have to know. also, it's canned. can there be that much demand? where do they package this stuff? oh, nebraska. that makes sense. how many pigs do you think they go through a day?

A

why didn't you just Google it?

B

this is real. right here. me, the pairing knife, and this can. this fucking can that i can't get open. help me. you know you want to see this.

A

i've got something. i'll be right back. A exits then reenters with one of those can cut through anything infomercial gadgets. here.

B

where did you get this?

A

...QVC.

B

QVC? i thought you quit. for chrissake's, you're in a twelve step program.

A

it was one thing. i had a little freak out. it was nearly a year ago. and it's a good thing too, because otherwise you couldn't get that can open.

B

you sure there aren't hundreds of knickknacks hidden around this place? because you know i have to go look now.

A

i'm sure. it was just that one time. promise.

B

okay. give me those.

A

they cut through cans. they showed it on t.v.

B

B sighs a sigh that says "you are not helping your cause" and then gets the can opened. oh. that is just gross.

A

let me see. oh god. i ... think i'm going to be sick, but

A&B

i want to try it.

B

i'll get the pan.

Today's story was inspired by this:

Apologies to the folks out there that like pork brains in milk gravy. I'm a vegetarian, so this... isn't on the menu for me.