at the chapel

short
non-vacation
meant to do more work
didn't have time
there was
painting
face nails
fixing
hair clothes
standing in shoes not meant for standing
smiling through

still
better than being at work

I'm back from Texas. Ah weddings... I think I'm done with them. Or at least being in them.

scatterbrains

i have more energy than!!!!
heard my name. what's that?
FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODfoodfoodfoodfoodfoodfoodfood
iluvfud
move it
outta my way
what's that?
meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeI'M COMING almostthere here i come
I AM HERE
YOU ARE HERE
YAAAAAAAAAAY jump jump jump jump
run away
run back
jumpjumpjump
screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam yay yay yay

My mom's dog is hyper with a capital A-D-D.

someday

I'm going to go to Rome. While there, I'm going to meet a beautiful, intelligent Brazilian. We will hit it off right away and be joined at the hip, wink wink, for the rest of the trip. There will be tears and heartbreak when we say goodbye. We will both think that this is it. That we'll be lucky a thousand times over if we ever find what we had with each other. But it's not over. We won't be able to resist each other. We'll maintain a long distance relationship for a few months. I'll hop a plane to see her on a whim. She'll return with me. We'll be in disgusting, domestic bliss until I graduate. With my degree in hand, I will land a job in Brazil. She will have made me fluent in both Portuguese and Spanish by then. I will be very successful at my job. Her dancing and acting career will take off. She'll help me get my novel published. After five years, we'll relocate to New York. The city will have changed. We will have changed. But this is where we belong. And where we'll stay.

That's a helluva plan.

Of course it is. Step one now, book the ticket to Italy.

Dreams! Aspirations! Hopes! Goals! They are good.

what to do

the fridge is full
there is nothing to eat
the house is clean
there is nothing to do
the cat is happy
there is nothing to love
the day is calling
there is nothing to act
the bed is made
there is nothing to fuck
the sun is shining
there is nothing to burn

I'm so ready for a real vacation. Just six more months.

Sidenote: new post up at GirlsGoneWilde.

dream

folding petals block the sun
of yesterday
kittens walk backwards looking for

she rolls
the wooden plank swallows her
into a golden see
far from

Playing with some images.

unused, useful parts

she cleans my third eye with two simple kisses everyday. it's a sanity keeping ritual we have. she feels connected to me, even though i'm gone more than i'm home, and i know that she still loves me.

i have something similar. he leaves his socks on the floor, and i pick them up. they smell of buttered popcorn and mean love.

that might not be the same thing.

i said similar. our daily crazy making ritual! he makes a mess of the house. i clean it up. he watches television. i cook dinner. he embarrasses me in front of my friends, and i apologize and plan great dinner parties to give him just one more chance to fuck them up.

you need a new boyfriend.

husband. this is massachusetts. we're allowed to get married here.

oh. right. did i get that invitation?

there wasn't an invitation. it's apparently bourgeois, like keeping a job for more than 6 months. we just marched our sweet, drunk selves down to the court house and got ourselves hitched. now we get to live in domestic bliss. you and your ladyfriend should do it while you're here! new york recognizes them, you know.

yeeees. i know. i don't think we're there yet. i'm not sure i even want the whole marriage thing. it's so breeder.

oh that reminds me. have you ever thought about being surrogate?

no.

well, we were wondering -

no. i mean. yes, i've thought about it. no, i don't want to do it.

you'd be perfect. we look similar. you could be the wicked cool aunt in NYC.

yeah, no. not interested in renting out the uterus. sorry.

but you're not using it! loan it out to someone that needs it.

my feminist is flaring up.

why?

she's about to explode.

okay. okay. calm her down. "no" it is. but if you change your mind.

no.

okay. jesus. [long, awkward pause] how much longer before they start the show?

I've been asked by a couple of friends to one day be their surrogate. ACK!

growing things

the tomato is overtaking its stake. the parsley is straining to reach light, real light. the cilantro has come back from the brink of death, and the sage does not know how not to grow. the balance of water and food and light and shade is nearly impossible to maintain when you decide to plant everything together. but i guess they know what's was strong. what survives will only be the best. except that i killed something from overwatering one week and something else from underwatering the next week. i think i may have found the balance. it's stressful being this observant. i definitely should not have children.

how so?

if i can't keep a bunch of freakin' plants alive, how can i be trusted with something as important as a child?

children at least make noise when something is wrong. you have a cat, though.

two of them.

right. and how are they?

fine. they need some more mommy time, but fine other than that.

so there you go. you can have kids.

because my cats are lonely but fed?

pretty much.

what about the emotional part of it?

you're going to fuck up your kids somehow. there is no use stressing over it. they'll either love you or hate you in the end.

you should write a book.

ha. ha. why worry about fucking up some non-existent future grown child of yours? maybe it all turns out okay. maybe it's 50/50 or 80/20.

maybe it's just a shitload of therapy.

right. so not so bad. plus kids can be a lot of fun.

and headaches.

but joy!

you want to have a baby, don't you?

yes. specifically i want to have one with you.

we don't even live together.

i know. i don't want one now. but i want to move in together. get "married" or whatever. and have a baby. or adopt a child. i want us to be parents.

i don't...

i know.

then why...

i'm hoping that you'll just think about it. you hardly ever talk about what you want out of this relationship. you know exactly what you want out of your work, but ... what about us?

i don't know.

so think about it and let me know?

okay.

a simple kiss

what's on the menu tonight?

something with tomato and sage, it looks like.

My tomato plant nearly fell over today. It is now tied to the rail on my roof.