coffin gems

ANNOUNCER

Are you tired of burying your relatives in the same boring coffin? Have people started talking?

FUNERAL ATTENDEE

Hey, Jack! Recession Model again? Two more and you get a free one. Hahaha.

ANNOUNCER

Are you looking for an easy way to spruce up that coffin without destroying your children's college funds? Well, now you can! with Coffin Gems.

Coffin Gems are the Bedazzler for your dead. No more boring burials. An end to dull deaths! An Absolutely Amazing Afterlife! Coffin Gems make you the hero of every funeral. You'll wonder how anyone every died without them.

Coffin Gems are not sold in stores. Call now and you'll get 2, that's right 2!, Coffin Gems for the price of one when you order in the next five hours.

BUYER

Wow! I'm calling right now.

ANNOUNCER

That's not all!

BUYER

It's not?

ANNOUNCER

No. If you order in the next five minutes, you not only get two Coffin Gems, but we'll include Tie-Dye Coffin Kit. Now your favourite dead hippy can be buried in the style they would have wanted when they were 20 and on acid - a TWENTY-FIVE DOLLAR VALUE! You get all of this for only $19.99 + tax, shipping, handling, and other associated fees!

BUYER

I can't believe it!

ANNOUNCER

I know. It's unbelievable. So call now: 1-800-872-3425 and get yours today!

DISCLAIMER

Coffin Gems should not be handled buy people willing to buy them and are only available while supplies last.

ANNOUNCER

Coffin Gems - call now!

I was grocery shopping with my parents for Xmas. In the parking lot was a white hearse with a Coffin Gems label on the side. I really really really want to bedazzle a coffin for someone or some pet now. Maybe a fish.