HAPPY BLOGOVERSARY TO ME!

today, insanemonade is one year old!

after a year and some thought, this blog is going to become more than just fiction and (bad) poetry. those types of writing will still be part of the fabric of insanemonade, but i want to incorporate my other interests in here.

thank you for reading!

next

and another trip
home and mom
and sick
final and paper
and christmas

If I could just check off one thing on my to do list, I'd feel better.

poor post

sinus

headache

infection

fever

I think that speaks for itself.

sleep less

semester insomnia flashes bright
above the day
neon lists of things to accomplish
in hours days and minutes
behind the eyelids
no relief
just a few more days
but miles to go
before i sleep

I think I know just about every nook and cranny of my bedroom ceiling.

today

a million miles a minute
easier to navigate
faster
effectively
without the ADD of
email

I'm trying to put limits on how much I'm on email. I am realizing how much of a distraction it is to me daily.

on top of

The to the top of La Sagrada Familia. My legs just tremble. Amazing views, but insecure in my own stance. I don't let them stop me. Every picture they shake a little more, a little harder. The spiral staircase down was definitely the most unsettling part. Shaking legs and curves don't seem like a good combination. The process of this curch is beautiful. They expect it to be completely by the time I'm 50. Cheesy as this sounds, that'll be a good year to return (except that I don't like crowds...).

pics from the trip

dispatches from the joint

This is not my writing, but I wanted to share it. A relative of mine writes a satire newspaper for the prison in which he is incarcerated. Pretty funny stuff, for the most part.

Dear Mr. Convict:
We got shook down again on D-Line and I got picked for the piss test because I forgot to sand the resin marks off my fingers. Anyway, the problem is I passed, even though I had smoked weed two days before. So my question is, do you think I could get my money back from that guard for selling me fake weed? I was suspicious when someone said they smelled pizza, and I asked teh guard about it, but he said that's what hydro smells like. What do you think?
Duped on D-Line

Dear Duped,
In tough economic times like these you have to really watch out for the scam artists and oregano.

on top of

Perched on top of a cathedral, looking at the prosaic side of thos inspiring arches. Bricks and slopes and bird shit and a little spidery friend. The sea shimmers. It feels whole.

Just a bit from the journal.

Reimagining Citizenship

This a paper from my Global Flows class. I think this is the final version, but I've lost my thumb drive (ARGH!). It may be a close to final iteration.

The world’s nations have become increasingly connected and interconnected through international trade, histories of colonialism, and technologies such as the Internet and mobile phones. A change in how the global community defines citizenship is necessary to secure equality for all peoples. “Reality is becoming cosmopolitan,”[1] and the ways in which we group ourselves need to match that reality. The globalization of the planet is in danger of being a new form of Western (specifically, American) imperialism, destroying traditional societies through the export of its culture. To achieve the ideal of a non-hierarchical world society, we must define citizenship without borders and create a global community of People rather than of Americans, Chinese, Kenyans, Brazilians, etc. How do the world’s nations integrate into a global civilization without forsaking the diversity of peoples? This paper prescribes a twofold approach in changing the understanding of citizenship. We must divorce “[t]he accident of where one was born”[2] from one’s primary identification of citizenship. In other words, citizenship should be landless. Additionally, the value judgments placed on qualitative citizenships[3] such as race and gender need to be eliminated. These steps are dependent upon one another. As Martha Nussbaum notes, borders are arbitrary, and our commitment to them as a defining aspect of our identity makes accepting other differences harder to achieve.[4] By ending our dependence on national borders for citizenship, the global community can work toward flattening the hierarchy of privileges and create a non-homogenized yet unified population. Diversity will be the central value in the new, landless definition of citizenship. Conversely, working toward valuing difference will enable the world to end its addiction to national borders. Both processes are created by and inextricable from each other, which is the essence of the new form of citizenship.

Civilization and citizenship have evolved dramatically over the last century in the face of changing global realities. World War I led to the formation of the League of Nations, the first Western attempt at a global order not based on conquering other peoples. In order to achieve membership in the League however, nations had to meet civilization requirements defined by Western states, and because of this prerequisite, the League was, in Edward Keene’s words, “an organization of civilized nations, working collectively for all the world’s people.”[5] Global citizenship was predicated on being born in the West or in a country that adhered to the ideals of the West. The Nazi Party caused a change this arbitrary requirement. They took the West’s ostensibly racist view of civilization to the extreme, which caused the other European nations to reevaluate their criteria for separating the civilized from the uncivilized. Genocide by Westerners outside of Europe was perfectly reasonable but within Europe was barbaric. Civilization has no room for barbarism, and so the West redefined it in order to exclude Germany. In forming the United Nations after World War II, “the discriminatory way in which the concept of civilization had previously been employed,”[6] was abandoned. Empires became gauche and were subsequently dismantled. Civilization, though still based on Western criteria, lost its reliance on a specific set of borders, and previously colonized people were given higher levels of participation in the global order through the United Nations. In other words, they became citizens of the world. From this history, we can see that citizenship has the potential to evolve, which allows us the opportunity to imagine it beyond national borders and create a non-hierarchical global continuum made up of diverse peoples, equal in humanity and in legal standing.[7]

Citizenship denotes a sense of responsibility from the individual to the group (currently the nation) and from the group to the individual. For example, the citizen’s responsibility is to pay taxes and follow the rules set by the group; the group’s responsibility is to guarantee the rights of the individual. Citizenship, currently, is tied to land. De-territorializing[8] it creates an opportunity to broaden, deepen and diversify an individual’s conception of belonging by erasing categories such as National and Foreigner that require a border to be valid. She or he will also have a deep-seeded connection to diverse peoples rather than one set of people. Following Nussbaum, “primary allegiance [will be given] to the community of human beings in the entire world,”[9] rather than only to the ones living on a narrowly defined piece of land. The result of such an allegiance would be a world without superpowers or developing nations, without a hierarchy of belonging; a world citizenry deeply connected to the successes and failures, the fullness and the hunger, throughout the various sectors of the planet. September 11th is defined as an American tragedy. A global citizenship would extend “ties of obligation and commitment”[10] beyond current national borders, and an event such as this one would be felt as a world tragedy.

Divorcing our ideas of citizenship from the land will entail a paradigm shift. The world is addicted to what Ulrich Beck calls a “basic pattern of nation state thinking” [11] and will need to create a way of thinking that does not include “territoriality, sovereignty, jurisdictions and demarcation.”[12] Our current mode of defining citizenship through borders creates unnecessary dichotomies: National and Foreigner, Native and Immigrant, West and Non-West. The borderless mode of citizenship can eliminate these distinctions and the hierarchical way they are applied to categorize certain groups as subhuman and undeserving of rights and privileges. For instance, fear of Mexican immigrants living undocumented in the United States led to the murders of nine-year-old Brisenia Flores and her father, Raul, in June of 2009, by members of a border patrol group called the Minutemen.[13] Organizations such as these use the border as the legitimizing factor for their rhetoric and action. Like the Nazi Party, they take a worldview to the extreme which highlights the urgent need to redefine what a citizen is. Erasing the border gives people such as the Floreses equal rights to exist on any land as a person born there. While not a panacea for xenophobic racism, a fence-free existence delegitimizes bigoted groups such as the Minutemen.

Local allegiances, though, are not necessarily negative entities and should not be sacrificed on the altar of the global ideal. In fact, it is better if they remain a foundational part of the individual’s life, because the goal is not simply harmony, but harmony in diversity. Ulrich Beck sees the diversity of cosmopolitan Europe as fundamental in the creation of the European Union, an example of a cross-border entity. This diversity is a source of what is essentially European. What makes Europe Europe flows across state borders. In conceptualizing the European Union, he urges people to “expand the concept of ‘public’ beyond its fixation on the nation state and open it up to a cosmopolitan understanding that realistically accommodates the dynamics from which the trans-boundary forms of the European public sphere are developing”[14]. The EU is not a replacement for Nationality but an enhancement of the individual nations on the international level. A Polish European is as much Polish as she is European. Poland’s voice is augmented through the EU bullhorn, because it is joined with other national voices. Beck also observes “co-national forms of identity, ways of life, means of production and types of interaction that pass right through the walls of states.”[15] The European Union politically provides space and support for these interactions without subverting the cultural identifications of its citizens. While keenly aware of the significance of using Europe as the example of a more global citizenry, the European Union provides a clear model of extending citizenship beyond a specific country. The use of this example in no way intends to promote the export of the European model, since a Global Citizenry would entail the voices, perspectives, creativity and endorsement of all peoples in its creation and evolution.

A model of open borders on a world scale can be seen through the medium of the Internet. Time and space have shrunk considerably in interactions there. A person in India can be in contact with someone in Brazil instantly and easily through email, chat, blogs, Facebook, and other online tools. The virtual world has its own language, customs, conversations and actions. The state system is outdated in comparison with “plugged-in” citizens, and as international connections increase, people are likely to see themselves as citizens of a broader world order, even without a governing global structure. A recent example is the protests after the Iranian election. Through Twitter.com, updates and mobile phone video uploaded to YouTube.com, people outside of Iran were able to remain connected with on-the-ground actions, coordinate solidarity protests and pressure their own governments not to accept the contested election. Mainstream media even used these “alternative” information sources in their reporting on the events in Iran.[16] People, globally, felt the injustice of the allegedly stolen election regardless of their technical nationality. While these connections and actions occurred prior to the Internet, this tool has increased the number of people with access to information beyond the mainstream, national sources, and the interactions and connections such as we see online show that a landless citizenship is already forming.

In order to achieve a broader, more inclusive global citizenry, another process must be started in tandem with the de-territorializing of citizenship: ending the value judgments made on differing cultures and ways of life. The history of superiority on the global stage is long and unresolved. Even when we attempt to create a global order to secure peace, our internalized and externalized prejudices are exposed. The idea of Civilization was and is still based upon Western ideas that are uncritically given as “universal.” Martha Nussbaum calls this myopia “the unexamined feeling that one’s own current preferences and ways are neutral and natural.”[17] The goal of the global citizenship presented in this paper is one of both diversity and harmony. Creating a habit of valuing difference is the process by which we reach for the ideal, and it requires extreme self-examination by the individual, the group, the region, and the globe.

While this habit is the ideal, it is a process rather than an achievable goal. Analogously, in Tadashi Suzuki’s theatre training technique, the actor always performs for her “god of perfection”, trying to reach a flawless state in her work. It is unachievable. However, in the Suzuki method, art and beauty are found in struggling toward perfection, not attaining it.[18] A concrete example outside of the theatre world can be found in the mainstream American feminist movement and the differing opinions on how the sex industry fits into feminist philosophy. One group terms themselves “sex positive” and see sex work as potentially liberating for women, because it can be chosen profession that allows women to define the context in which they are objectified by men. The “sex neutral”[19] feminists see sex work as inseparable from patriarchal oppression, and rather than liberating women, it gives men exactly what they want from women, a sex class on call to do their bidding. The differences between these groups are seemingly unsolvable and discussions can and do reach the realm of fights, especially on a World Wide Web that affords people a modicum of anonymity. However, when a sex positive and a sex neutral feminist sit and discuss their views of the issue respectfully and passionately, the result is challenging, thought provoking and beautiful. No agreement is reached, and neither mind is changed, but there tends to be a greater understanding of each side, which can only help a Western women’s movement that at times seems unnecessarily fractured. Returning to the global scale, though we cannot achieve pure tolerance and celebration of diversity, as Nussbaum suggests, “we should not allow difference of nationality or class or ethnic membership or even gender to erect barriers between us and our fellow human beings,”[20] and should increase how much we value difference through self-examination on the individual and group level.

Visualizing an abstract symbol of global citizenship can help in the process to achieve the new definition, the way art can challenge ways of thinking. Martha Nussbaum, through the Stoics, envisions a life of concentric circles, with the individual at the center and the globe as the largest circle. She adds other concentric categories such as gender, race, and sexuality.[21] This visualization is a good foundation, but a few adjustments can enhance it to create a model for the new global citizenship. First, instead of circles, three-dimensional spheres are utilized. The benefit here is that the very shape relates to the shape of the world and will create a connection of the idea of “Citizenship” to our mental image of Earth. Concentric spheres are still utilized for the quantitative groups to which individuals belong, such as self, family, city, region, continent, hemisphere, and globe. The qualitative citizenships, or “multiple worlds”[22], intersect the “self sphere,” but reach through and beyond the concentric ones. All of the spheres, whether concentric or intersecting, are housed within the global one. The qualitative, intersecting spheres are categories such as gender, class, race, ethnicity, language, sexuality, and the myriad other classifications that create one human being. These groupings connect us to people outside of our physical location. For a simple example, a female-identified runner from the African Continent would be connected to other Africans through the sphere of Africa, to other runners from across the globe through the runner sphere, and to female-identified people through the female-identified sphere. We are all connected, which is why these citizenships are as vital as the concentric ones in achieving the new definition of citizenry. They already transcend our national boundaries and connect us to diverse humans while solidifying our basic humanity. Seeing broader categories of belonging will help us “not confine our thinking to our own sphere,”[23] and create the situation necessary to achieving a landless, diverse and equal citizenship that is not merely a technical lack of borders.

Contemporary globalization can be a different process of connecting nations than the imperial aspirations of previous civilizations. The traditional players of government and corporation (i.e. trade) are still part of connecting the disparate parts of the globe, but individual players now are at work in greater numbers through the use of the Internet. This interconnection is still in danger of repeating colonialism by exporting Western culture and norms onto non-Western peoples. The opportunity to create a global society with an interaction of cultures is present, but in order to achieve transnational equality, our ideas of citizenship must be radically changed. The transition is necessary but will not be a simple one. The scope of this paper focused on two abstract and interconnected ways citizenship could be changed and imagined but did not focus on the challenges of applying a new definition. Many questions need to be answered, such as: How does the world decide on and implement the processes to change the definition? How do laws change? Who is responsible for enforcement of laws? To whom are taxes paid? How do we integrate differing levels of social programs? Even once questions such as these have answers, the process will still likely be long and rough. Groups such as the Minutemen will be able to play on the fears of currently privileged people for support and recruitment. Countering such tactics will require at the very least a long view that includes education at all levels and a willingness to listen to and acknowledge such fears. Beyond extremist groups, we must also frankly deal with our histories of oppression and teach ourselves how we “other” people who are different. From that knowledge, we can develop personal and group strategies to stop the habits that separate people from one another. The concrete steps to solve these legal and ground level questions require much more thinking and input than this paragraph. The paper presented the first movement: reimagining who we consider our fellow citizens.

Citizenship is an evolving idea. The definition presented here does not seek to imagine the telos of the concept, since the ideas come from a single mind rather than a meeting of diverse peoples. However, based on this re-envisioning, if the world, and specifically the West, can redefine and teach citizenship as global category that connects each individual to every other person, no matter how different, future generations will have a foundation to create a world order that is more equitable than has been seen during this and previous globalizations. From a global citizenship, people will be responsible to each other, and cultures will celebrate difference rather than suppress it. Yes, this idea is utopian, but let us be wary of a world where we have stopped dreaming of and working toward a terrestrial paradise.

Works Cited
Agathangelou, A. M., & Ling, L. (2009). Othello's Journey. In Transforming World Politics: From Empire to Multiple Worlds (pp. 146-153). New York: Routledge.

Beck, U. (2007). Reinventing Europe - A Cosmopolitan Vision. In C. Rumford (Ed.), Cosmopolitanism and Europe (pp. 39-50). Liverpool: Liverpool University Press.

Faster, T. (2008, 03 25). The evangelical pro-life guide to sexy feminism. Retrieved 11 07, 2009, from I Blame The Patriarchy: http://blog.iblamethepatriarchy.com/2008/03/25/the-evangelical-pro-life-guide-to-sexy-feminism/

Keene, E. (2002). Order in Contemporary World Politics: Global but Divided. In Beyond the Anarchical Society: Grotius, Colonialism, and Order in World Politics (pp. 120-144). Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.

Maddow, R. (2009, 06 23). 'The Rachel Maddow Show' for Monday, June 22. Retrieved 11 07, 2009, from MSNBC: The Rachel Maddow Show: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31506579/ns/msnbc_tv-rachel_maddow_show/

Nussbaum, M. (1994). Patriotism and Cosmopolitanism. Retrieved 2009, from http://www.bsos.umd.edu/gvpt/theory/Patriotism%20and%20Cosmopolitanism.pdf

Suzuki, T. (1986). The Way of Acting: The Theatre Writings of Tadashi Suzuki. (J. R. Thomas, Trans.) New York: Theatre Communications Group, Inc.

Younger, J. (2009, 06 13). 3 arrested in killings of dad, girl in Arivaca. Retrieved 10 29, 2009, from http://www.azstarnet.com/metro/296911



[1] Beck, U. (2007). Reinventing Europe - A Cosmopolitan Vision. In C. Rumford (Ed.), Cosmopolitanism and Europe (pp. 39-50). Liverpool: Liverpool University Press.
[2] Nussbaum, M. (1994). Patriotism and Cosmopolitanism. Retrieved 2009, from http://www.bsos.umd.edu/gvpt/theory/Patriotism%20and%20Cosmopolitanism.pdf
[3] The term citizenship was chosen to denote a sense of responsibility despite the fact that it is generally used as a political identity.
[4] Nussbaum, M. (1994). Patriotism and Cosmopolitanism. Retrieved 2009, from http://www.bsos.umd.edu/gvpt/theory/Patriotism%20and%20Cosmopolitanism.pdf
[5] Keene, E. (2002). Order in Contemporary World Politics: Global but Divided. In Beyond the Anarchical Society: Grotius, Colonialism, and Order in World Politics (pp. 120-144). Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.
[6] Ibid.
[7] Ibid.
[8] This term is borrowed from Edward Keene in Beyond the Anarchical Society: Grotius, Colonialism and Order in World Politics.
[9] Nussbaum, M. (1994). Patriotism and Cosmopolitanism. Retrieved 2009, from http://www.bsos.umd.edu/gvpt/theory/Patriotism%20and%20Cosmopolitanism.pdf
[10] Ibid.
[11] Beck, U. (2007). Reinventing Europe - A Cosmopolitan Vision. In C. Rumford (Ed.), Cosmopolitanism and Europe (pp. 39-50). Liverpool: Liverpool University Press.
[12] Ibid.
[13] Younger, Jamar. “3 arrested in killings of dad, girl in Arivaca.”
[14] Beck, Ulrich. (2007) “Reinventing Europe – A Cosmopolitan Vision.” In Chris Rumford (ed), Cosmopolitanism and Europe, pp. 39-50. Liverpool: Liverpool University Press.
[15] Ibid.
[16] The Rachel Maddow Show utilized YouTube.com video to show the protests in Iran, and in general uses the Internet as a source for the show.
[17] Nussbaum, M. (1994). Patriotism and Cosmopolitanism. Retrieved 2009, from http://www.bsos.umd.edu/gvpt/theory/Patriotism%20and%20Cosmopolitanism.pdf
[18] This analogy comes primarily from nine years of studying Tadashi Suzuki’s method as taught by Maria Porter which was supplemented by Suzuki’s book, The Way of Acting.
[19] This term is borrowed from Twisty Faster (aka Jill Psmith), the author of I Blame The Patriarchy. http://iblamethepatriarchy.blogspot.com/
[20] Nussbaum, M. (1994). Patriotism and Cosmopolitanism. Retrieved 2009, from http://www.bsos.umd.edu/gvpt/theory/Patriotism%20and%20Cosmopolitanism.pdf
[21] Ibid.
[22] Agathangelou, Anna M. and L.H.M. Ling. “Othello’s Journeys.” Transforming World Politics: From empire to multiple worlds. 2009.
[23] Nussbaum, M. (1994). Patriotism and Cosmopolitanism. Retrieved 2009, from http://www.bsos.umd.edu/gvpt/theory/Patriotism%20and%20Cosmopolitanism.pdf

analog blogging 2

Stories are simple. You just start at some point, place, action, character and start walking. Let your brain find the path open the world. Start somewhere.

The bird walked toward me as if I had something to tell it. I had the secret it wanted, needed. What it had been searching for all this time. It paused and looked again at me. Once the secret was known, what would it do? There was nothing else beyond that moment. A fulfilled purpose...is that what it really wanted? A clockwork ship ticked by, rolling its gears in the Meditterranean [sic]. Droplets of sea moisened the bird's feathers. I cleaned my glasses, though considering the scratched lenses, that was a useless exercise. The bird shook and preened a quick wing. Looked out across the mar and flew away. I knew no screts anyway.

~~~
A rain of oranges left us with leads to a rot of rinds.

jet lag

jet lag
lagging behind
now
caught up

I'm 4 espresso shots in and still about to fall asleep.

analog blogging, day one

I'm putting this out with all its blemishes.


What it says:

LEFT PAGE
The Slent Movie Treatment
watch the movie in silence and retell the story (ed. this is an upcoming blog feature!)

The crowd going to Barcelona was decidedly younger than the one heading to Germany.

The pilot is retiring & his family is on this flight. My seatmate (rowmate) is comforted by this, feel [sic] safer. I don't know. If there is a god/are gods t/s/he/m are the source of all irony, so I think it could go either way. So far, so good. Knock wood (does paper count?)

RIGHT PAGE
Train mistakes were made. Limited Spanish but kind ppl. Think I'm okay now, but probably should wait until I actually get to the hostel. I need coffee. ¡Necesito café!

Mountains & produce and
electric wire
Miró on aeroport walls

Practicing
Spanish
in
my
head.

Something about me or my face makes people ask me questions... well, for directions. I landed at 0830, it's 1030 now, and already 2 sets of people have come
inquiring.

still on holiday

i've been away on holiday
i'll write again another day

I kept a journal(ish) while I was away. Likely I will be reproducing that work here, because I've flown back to the States just in time for finals!

the dragon burns tomorrow

leaving in the middle of a war
to take back what is mine and hers
when i return
what compromise awaits?

but relaxation in the making
five years of toil

let the sun rise over me
and the breeze wrap around
lay me down in the rhythm of today
the ax can wait
the dragon burns tomorrow

I like that last bit.

boobs

Everybody's all pissed about the new breast cancer screening recommendations.

What's that?

That women under 50 shouldn't... well, no, no shouldn't... that women under the age of 50 do not need to get mammograms, because statistically it's not worth it for them to. Above 50, yes; below, no.

Are they playing statistics with people's lives?

That's what the anger is about. But I don't know. I think it's misplaced.

How so?

If mammograms are not effective for finding breast cancer under 50, instead of being angry at those statistics...

...shouldn't we be spending time figuring out more effective methods.

Exactly. Is the choice really mammogram or no mammogram? What else is out there?

Hmmm.

So tired of women's bodies being the focus of political debate.

soon

winding down shouldn't feel like winding up
release
3000 checks to make
cross the list
double back
reread finish it up
to sleep through the sky and raise the curtains
another day another place another sun

Just a few more days before vacation.

tryingish

it's one p.m.
and i forgot
to write something
for this blog
once again
to say oh no!
i'm such an ass
but then again
i have lots of shite to do
ppppppppbbbbbbbbttttttttttttt

Yeah, I'm not sure I really even tried there. Sorry, y'all!

stupid foot

a bruised foot and a vacation on the way. damn the luck. hobbling around nyc trying to keep up the pace. it's not working. strangely i let more people sit this way. feel the pain. embrace it. let it flow through you. forget the location and it spreads and eases by sharing across the leg and ankle. but then i have to step and remember. right there on the right. sharp and dull dance to the quick intakes of air as i hold back a cry.

Do not wear Chucks when you are walking around the city all day.

soon

a flight away from resting
healing these overworn shoes
in walking touring viewing
leaving things behind

I can't wait for vacation.

running

Run! Just run. Right now. Who cares about the clothes you are wearing? Don't worry about the job or the checklist of To-Dos that grows exponentially. Run. The pumping air and the racing blood will make everything sync and work.

I have time for the gym this weekend!

here

a series of ones creates
grows and evolves
to days of lightening
looking back
who is that?
a mimic, a shadow
australopithecus waves to the future

Happy Birthday to me! Twenty-eight was a (r)evolution.

joy/terror

the spider man weaves his prey
in the rickshaw web
jumping and playing
they squeal with
joy/terror
wondering when it will stop

You see the strangest things in NYC.

rrrrrr

voting by default
not an option
i will not stand
and check
the lesser of bad choices
i will not stand
for someone
not standing for me

Not happy about the healthcare bill.

things

a friday
a paper
a presentation
a glass
a phone
a wallet
a vacation
a day

Hooray!

dehydration!

puckered like a salted slug
waterphobic but forced
one glass
tired
yearning for caffeine
not today
until the dryness fades
with the pain
in your lips

I am definitely trying to rehydrate. Stupid weather. Stoopid heaters.

eek

oops
ops
ps
s

Sorry!

changes

decisions decisions
changes swept into moving forward
here is here and now
when is there?

So much going on...

pictoral analogy

is to

AS

is to

I say, love them all!

ack

one day
i will
have time

Maybe.

the days of craze

too
tired
too
busy
to
post

Sorry!

rainydaywednesday

one umbrella between four feet
of rain
covered/uncovered
slowly soaking in
conversation
laughs
and smiles

Oh, the weather.

noticing

noticing
is the first step
to change
to seeing what was there
of understanding the sphere around
this

My current class paper topic seems to be appearing everywhere. I have enough sources already people!

so much

a paper awaits
3 million books to do
early morning
sunrise
tea
sleep
must finish now

Need to finish my paper!

sugar!

glazes and sugars and creams
on display
glistening under the flicker
of floroescent tubes
a smile peers out from
behind the gleam of red
something for you?
flash of choice
tension of denial
which which which
something special
the chef pirouettes

Do you like doughnuts? How about donuts?

jobs suck

snotty snotty C - E - O
such talk will get you left
alone
to handle
all of the things you do not
will not know
how to do

good luck

Oh this job. (Liberties were taken with the title.)

paper from class

The serious and grave Karl Marx of my study of The Communist Manifesto steps aside in these new readings to reveal a witty man capable of mocking Britain’s incompetence in its relations with China while acknowledging England’s place in starting a revolution that will begin in China and spread to Europe[1]. For the bulk of Marx’s writings on China, I agreed with his analysis of British-Chinese relations, however two specific arguments contained a logic gap that left me unconvinced: 1) Lord Palmerston’s supposed alliance with Russia and 2) that the trade imbalance between the West and China comes only from China’s traditional manufacturing methods.

Marx, through the various articles, tracks British petulance toward China, particularly in the person of Lord Palmerston. The articles are persuasive but border on conspiracy theory when Marx asserts that Palmerston is working for the benefit of Russia. According to Marx, Lord Palmerston takes steps toward war to appear to be working against Russian interests, but the goal is actually to push the targeted country into an alliance with Russia. What reasons the Englishman could possibly have to do so? Marx shows that “Lord Palmerston's old tricks”,[2] do work to increase Russia’s relations with China, but this fact seems only part of Britain’s incompetence in dealing with the Chinese rather than a larger conspiracy between Lord Palmerston and Russia.[3]

Marx first shows in Trade or Opium that the imbalance of trade with China has its roots in the opium epidemic. The Chinese people do not have the money to spend on English or other Western goods because their income is spent satisfying their severe addiction to opium.[4] In Trade with China, he foregoes that argument and instead proves that the traditional Chinese household and its particular mix of “husbandry with manufacturing industry”[5] keeps trade imbalanced, with China exporting far more than it imports. Marx then shows that the cost of production of necessities in China, specifically garments, is well below Western prices, and the goods last significantly longer. Does function win over fashion? If opium addiction is removed from the equation, the reader must assume that the Chinese people simply do not want the products offered for import, regardless of whether it is due to the traditional manufacturing within their society or their particular tastes. However, identifying a single cause of an import imbalance overly simplifies an entire culture. The motivations that create the trade disparity likely include traditional manufacturing, opium addiction and other reasons not to purchase Western goods. Marx weakened his argument by attempting to prove a single cause for the unequal trade between China and the West.[6]

On the whole, Marx persuades the reader that Britain is at best a petulant child and at worse a barbarian in its dealings with China. The narrow scope of his analysis of Palmerston-Russia relations and the lack of imports into China leaves a void in each of his arguments. The former would be alleviated by showing the motivation that would lead Palmerston to work specifically for the benefit of Russia, the latter by broadening his analysis of reasons behind China’s low imports of Western goods.

[1] Marx, Karl. “Revolution in China and In Europe” (http://www.marxists.org/archive/marx/works/1853/06/14.htm)
[2] Marx, Karl. “The New Chinese War” (http://www.marxists.org/archive/marx/works/1859/10/18.htm)
[3] Ibid.
[4] Marx, Karl. “Trade or Opium” (http://www.marxists.org/archive/marx/works/1858/09/20.htm)
[5] Marx, Karl. “Trade with China” (http://www.marxists.org/archive/marx/works/1859/12/03.htm)
[6] Ibid.

I have a plot outline for the rest of the Alice story, but I have not had any time whatsoever to work on it. I have another paper to write this weekend. Maybe I will get to it in November.

RANDOM FIRINGS

brain waves
mixed messages
through movie quotes
and song lyrics
decipher decipher

hidden thoughts
lost connexions

or it is just tired
the brain
from too much tea and sympathy
and self-pity

I've got 3 or so songs stuck in my head and random lines from Empire Records. Is this what my horoscope meant when it said that today I would be in the realm of the gods? The crazy gods!

eyes

i can't see right now, can you?
stupid eye doctor.

rawr.

Short, sweet, obvious.

allergies

i am allergic to everything
to fall
to spring
and soon a test
to see if
my cat bothers me
grrr

Happy Allergy Test Day to me!

ode to bagel

round and lovely and just for me
a little bit of everything
a little creamy joy
oozing from the middle
through the gap
dripping dripping
into my mouth

I love bagels.

effin' technology

Work, damnit!

What's the matter?

This fucking thing won't bloody work!

Calm down.

NO! [throws object, pause] I feel better.

I think your warranty only covers accidental damage.

How will they know?

[from the device] Oh, we know. Mwuahahahahahahahaa.

My Kindle is acting up. I have not thrown it. Yet.

rich in america

Is there a bias against the rich in America? Or is there a bias against the rich when they have committed a crime, whether white collar or not? We expect those born into priviledge or who gain it behave better than the rest of us. Logically, we all know that they do not, and we even may think that they got to where they are by not following the rules. However, when they are caught and paraded in front of the public, the sense is that they should have known better, been better, behaved better.

Listening to NPR this morning where the phrase "bias against the rich" was used. This paragraph is the start of my thought process on it.

sleep is far away

It had been a long weekend but a good one. The lack of sleep was starting to show as soon as he got to work. How was he supposed to get through this day? The coffee pot called, but memories of the near panic attacks... Perhaps some tea. He felt better totally clear of caffeine, even when tired, but today there was so much he wanted to get done. These were not tasks that could handle a sleepy deprived brain. Maybe just today. Just one cup. Or one sip. Or decaf? That has some caffeine in it. At least he could pretend.

Sleep is a way too common theme on this blog, but you are supposed to write what you know.

cityfieldmouse

how do you name the city fieldmouse? mouse? mouse? mouse? mouse? elders chase them into the street, hurling obscenities and shoes and pans and flower pots. broad anger, tiny target. they always miss. the recently young lift their feet to allow them to pass; tension above this smallness; mimicking Disney elephants. play for the actually young and play for the cats end in deaths un- and intentioned. flit around and puff the cheeks under false lights. squeak away. disappear.

There are so many in Union Square when the sun is setting!

crackberry

crackberry crackberry
one two three
crackberry crackberry
buzz for me
crackberry crackberry
run my life
crackberry crackberry
the rhyme is strife

Yep, totally lost it for that last line.

Freud-In-A-Cup

Camera on woman staring at a random guy's crotch.

Having problems dealing with your penis-envy?

Camera on teenager looking longingly at a family portrait.

Can't understand why you have a serious crush on your parent?

Camera on a clown.

Do you need professional help?

Camera on table full of bills and a frazzled person going through them.

Therapy is expensive, costing upwards of $1,000 a month. In today's economic climate, how is the average person supposed to afford the help they need?

Camera on spokesperson in a suit.

My name is Spokesperson, and I've dealt with all of these problems. I used to go to therapy and waste thousands of dollars and hours of time trying to become a better person, all with little result. I am here today to tell you that there is another way. Freud-In-A-Cup. Sigmund Freud is the Father of Psychotherapy, and now thanks to Crazico, you can get a dose of Freud every morning. And in just 60 days, we guarantee that you will be feeling better and being a more productive member of society.

Stop being bogged down by all those problems. Try Freud-In-A-Cup today!

I think this needs no explanation. Freud. In. A. Cup!

panic

Your severe disregard for the normal way of doing things is giving me panic attacks.

That is the definition of a personal problem

Don't you think that you should help me out by trying to toe the line just a little bit more.

Maybe you wouldn't have those attacks if you didn't care about the line so much.

So that's where we are?

Yes.

Well, fuck you.

Who are these characters? What is there relationship? Let's write a group story!

self-doubt

hand raised alone in the class as every eye rolled again
slowly realizing how much they hate her
perfection
education is the goal and screw them all and their cool
she's alone and running on the education wheel

Silence.

short

i can breathe


mostly

Hooray for sickness! Well, not really hooray...

word string

sleep sleep snooze along the river of dreams into a wakefulness without the BEEP BEEP BEEP down in the brain under the low weeping willows floating up into a joy lost beyond the waking dream subway ride over ragged rocks in holy fields to crushing rushing waterpaths in ultraspeed of destination

Hello, Lucky!

lessons

They fell in love over jaeger bombs at the bar, and she sat in a corner, pineapple juice in one hand, flask of tequila in the other. A hag who's a total headcase, waiting for her gay to notice that she was not happy. Or waiting for him to care. People do not like to be manipulated, and who wants to be around the black hole of happiness? She'll spiral for a while.

I have my theories about why we don't have the opposite of the fag hag/gay boy relationship. Anybody else want to chime in?

better bitter quartameter

with bitterflies up in the sky
and flowers wilting right near by
it's time to find a better way
to sit alone and pass the day

I accidentally typed bitterflies instead of butterflies, so I went with it.

expanding the blog

Due to time constraints and such now with school, I am toying with expanding the scope of this blog to include things beyond fictional writing. I will still promise at least one post a week of creative stuff, but the other days could be essays or reactions to events or reviews of things. Mostly, I just feel like I'm putting too much thrown together poetry on here.

What do you think? Leave your thoughts in the comments or email them to me.

Rock!
.~cj rene

subway debates

On a semi-crowded subway car at the end of the day.

A1

Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen! I am not asking for money. I don't need money. I need healthcare, so I want to know: what do you think about health care reform? Miss? Miss? Sir? Anyone? Anyone with an opinion? With some knowledge to pass on? Sir? Ma'am?

A2

Healthcare reform without a public option is bullshit. We need single payor at the least, but we're probably going to end up with something worse than what we have if we end up with anything at all.

C1

Oh, please. We need people to work for their healthcare, instead of bums like this chick trying to get me to pay for it. Get a job!

A1

Actually, I have three jobs. I'm in two unions. I still don't have insurance.

C2

Me either. I work 30 hours a week, so my boss doesn't have to give me insurance.

C1

Get a different job.

C2

Right, because there are so many out there and we aren't seeing record numbers of unemployment.

If you know anything about Invisible Theatre, you probably get the idea here.

to be five

Five in the bad way is temper-tantrums and being forced to wear things you hate.

Five in the good way is playtime and imagination and fart jokes.

I hope this clears up any confusion.

talkin' 'bout underpants

A
vicky wants to see my underpants

B
okay...

A
vicky wants to talk about them

B
um...

A
vicky thinks i'm funny

B
is that reason enough

A
vicky's paying me

B
oh. wait. that's

A
prostitution?

B
yeah or something

A
i'm not sleeping with her; i'm not even modeling them

B
it just seems ... off

A
eh. i still have $300.

I have way too many pairs of underpants. I do not like the word panties; it makes me feel like I'm five (in the bad way).

oops

oops
forgot again
the coffee
commuter train
with conferences
at the end
make forgetting
the thing to do

Sorry this is late!

meta

bad
poetry
belongs
on
blogs
and
bathroom
walls

Meta. :D

comic falls

Two friends walking, talking, heading to get their mail. Down in to the basement and past the mini-gym. One girl strapped into a machine, working her hamstrings. The shorter, single friend runs into the column and falls on her ass. The other friend's guffaws underscore the chorus of Areyouokays from the gym denizens. Looking directly at the girl with a smile, "Yeah, I'm fine. My mom told me that staring was rude; she never said it was dangerous. I think I'm going to have a bump here tomorrow." She would. Would she have the girl's number though?

I have a propensity for nearly running into things when I'm inadvertently staring at someone.

insight

benign and tall must fall
because we do not have
time to stop
rushing to the next
try invoking shame
receive only anger
for the fucked up
things you said

Yesterday, a guy trying to stop people on the street in Williamsburg said to me when I couldn't / wouldn't stop to listen to him that that is why New York was attacked on 9/11. He should really work for the government since he has such a keen insight as to why terrorist attacks happen.

the joy of catitude #1

OMG!
you're brushing your teeth!
YAY!
i'm going to go poopy!

My cat picks the absolute wrong time to take a dump. Luckily, she poops love, so I guess I can't complain.

worry dreams

Set aside the homework and get some sleep
Dream about missed deadlines lost in REM
Wake up!
Know you have the time
Many things to check off
it'll happen

Yep, dreamed about not getting my homework done on time. This semester is going to be fun!

fear is rot

empty out
veggie tray is overstuffed
tofu begs for use
almonds
sesame seeds
all waiting
to be heated
beaten
cut up
pulverized
smashed
ready for this
fear is rot

I made a lasagna last night without a recipe, and it was quite good (and I'm not the only who said so).

organize!

I have attempted to organize my life millions of times. I have attempted to organize my organizing. I am clearly unable to do this myself. There is some logic here, I think. Something I've created. Instead of putting into other people's ideas of neat and tidy, I'm just going to let it be. Here's hoping nothing falls through the cracks.

Sometimes paper alone can overwhelm you.

where's my brain?

inspiration
comes rarely
if at all
especially
when the
due date's
far

Must. write. essay.

dogs days of the subway

The saddest face on the subway dangles from the strap and looks a thousand miles outside the door. Her toes pinch farther into the pointed shoes as the car jerks her body around and into the other commuters. An overstuffed bag pulls her toward the ground. She contemplates sitting. Why did she get up this morning?

Good morning! Btw, why does the commute have to change so drastically when school starts?

cat fetch

"She's playing fetch with you." The cat looked down at the hairband then at Jess and then away as if disinterested. Jess did not move, puzzled by Cat + Hairband = Fetch. "She's a cat." "Yes. And she plays fetch." Zhe picked up the band. The cat was immediately all tension, ready to go. Once the band was out flying, she followed, snapped it up and chewed on it for half a minute or so before bringing it back. "Throw it again." "How many times?" "Until she's done. She's a cat, so she decides."

Yes, my cat plays fetch in much the same way. She likes to bat the hairband (or whatever it is; she prefers circular objects) about before chewing on it and bringing it back.

lake explosion

floating above the lotus
the spirit of hands receive, direct
the wind over the minefield

Ah, meditation.

office eccentric

Controlled chaos. That was the phrase that hit your head the moment you looked at her desk. Order was there, but you would hard pressed to find it. She knew though. Every piece of paper. It may take her a couple of minutes to dig it out, flatten it out and hand it off, but she never lost anything. Sometimes, people would toss something on top of a stack of papers. She would know. She would pick it up and file it in the right corner of the heap before getting back to business. This desk was the nucleus of the office. Everyone feared that one day she would quit. Who would be able to discover her system and put things into some normal order. She feared the day one of the piles would decide to take her out and fall over, leaving her pinned under the weight of her work. This would, of course, happen on a night she was at the office late and alone. She requested and got a wireless keyboard and sat one foot outside of her cubicle. Her officemates passed quizzical glances. No one said anything.

I should clean up my desk soon.

lunch!

oh lunch time
you skinny bitch, you
60 times 60 to get
my other work done
never enough

Oops. I'm late. Sorry.

gone fishin'

He sits at the streams edge lazily and attentively tending to his pole. The red and white globe floats away with the current and teases him by dropping below the water line in time with the waves. All day, nothing but sitting and staring. This slowness and patience refuels him for another week. He could hear again his own heartbeat and feel how the air entered and left his body. Even watching the development of his sunburn reconnected him to the definition of life. His friends need bars and lights and noise. He needs the sound the world makes when it wakes up.

Just thinking about my brother.

tea sans sympathy

tea sitting
staring
squeezing out dark
bitter mornings
tail of wisdom lingers down
the mug
brushes the floor

I am having my first caffeinate drink in six months. It is a cup of English Breakfast tea. I've been drinking decaf coffee lately, but with school starting, I'm going hardcore now!

healthcare

I work three jobs, belong to 2 unions, and I still don't have insurance.

I'm working two jobs, no insurance, and I have a family that needs healthcare.

I took a look at my medical bills from the last 2 years. Over $34,000, and I am young and healthy. If I didn't have insurance, I wouldn't be in grad school now. I don't know people do it.

We don't go to the doctor.

Until we absolutely have to.

And even then, I've ended up in $6,000 worth of debt.

I'm buried under $20,000. For my gall bladder surgery. Which I tried to put off until my insurance kicked in. Unlucky me, it became a life and death emergency before that happened.

What do we want? HEALTHCARE. When do we need it? NOW.

The system is broken. Long live the system.

inhabitat

Sitting on a bench, reading. Random person approaches.

THEM: Hey! What's that amazing and super hip bag you got there?

ME: Oh, this? Well, this is amazing! It's true! And if by super hip, you mean solar powered to keep me energized, charged up and ready to go all day, you are also right!

THEM: Solar powered? Like you can plug your stuff in to it.

ME: Yead, dude. I never have to find an outlet.

THEM: Dude. That is just too cool. I don't even know what to say.

ME: I know! When I saw it at Inhabitat.com, I had to have one. I mean, who doesn't need a readily available energy source hanging off their shoulder?

THEM: No one that I would be friends with.

ME: Exactly.

THEM: I need to get one. What was that website again? Takes out pad of paper and pen.

ME: How about I just show you? Takes out Mac and goes to the site.

THEM: Yo. That's awesome. I'm going to order one right now. Thank you!

ME: Don't thank me, thank Inhabitat!

BOTH: Thanx, Inhabitat! You are teh awesome!

ME goes off to class, solar energized and ready to save the world, passer-by at a time.

I entered a contest to win one of these bags. This is what I came up with as to why I needed one. Aside from the obvious usefulness (especially when traveling overseas). www.inhabitat.com

alice in the office

The paper has begun to curl away from the monitor and toward the window like a leaf seeking light. It draws her eyes to outside where the life is and the noise and the heat and the city. She feels her ass molding to the chair. Fuckin' chair. It doesn't even fit her average body, and her feet dangle above the floor. Ten cups of coffee and three cups of tea and she is still tired and really really really really has to pee. The phone rings as she gets up and rings again while she's answering and rings again as she transfers and rings again as she starts to dance in the small space between the desk and the wall. This will not turn out well for her.

Sorry for the late post. It turned out better than I expected though!

sir

goodnight, sir
may your days of peace
keep joy close

thank you, sir
may your legacy grow
and know triumph

sleep well, sir
may we keep you in mind
and achieve our shared dreams

Rest in peace, Senator Kennedy.

lose the shackles

flying laptops
flat screen TVs
reach the sun
melt their wings

spiraling down
cold earth waiting
morse code silent
blinding SOS

explosion on impact
a triumph of glitter
worth the fall
to lose the shackles

I had a dream last night that involved my laptop and a friend's flatscreen TV falling out our respective windows. I wonder what that means.

countdown to school

The last week of summer set in the west, and children began to hide from the seeking start of the school year. It always finds you under the bed though. Torturous shopping trips for new clothes ended in the joy of the office supply store. Maybe this year they would be old enough for the multicolored click pen and the double sided highlighter. Everybody else has them! ... No, I am not everyone else.

One more week before I redefine busy!

fights between friends

one lost in the patriarchy
defending the indefensible
joking about what's not funny
the other fighting to end
what casual people joke about
that cuts deep into
the soul of those of us
not granted power

to a head
help to understand
but walls do not come down
in 24 hours
and minds are not changed
by one exchange
on facebook

Rape jokes are not funny. Street harassment is not flattering. In case anyone was wondering.

sleep

a good night's sleep
can change the world
fuck coffee

Yay! Sleeping! Even if my cat thought I was oversleeping!

prey

learn my job before your complaint
can you walk seven feet in my shoes?
they were cheap
hurt my feet
i do more
you ask for more
i have no more
you take more
and smile at the small tip left
for my time energy brain soul self

when i meet the day
that the shoes come off
tossing them at your head
i will laugh
and pray you don't find another
lamb
while you prey

Someone needs a day off. Or maybe for people to leave alone for the first 30 minutes or so of the day (especially when that day started before it needed to).

remember the promise

remember the promise to magdalena
a story waits
she waits
gathering together again
a lost journey
confusing jungle
absorbed
spat out
clean up clean off
see stand breathe learn again
she will wait
forgotten until a picture remembers

I went to a international women's theatre conference a few years ago a made a promise to finish a story I had been working on. That story has fallen by the wayside, but I remember the promise now.

move

moves are done
bruises spotting skin
unpacking ... almost
oh and laundry waits

Yay completed move.

moving

one more day living in this place
living alone
then a move move mooove
east
running to the ocean
a start to a great leap across
into other worlds

Happy Weekend! Wish me happy moving!

unending asking

question:
why can't you just ...
as if attraction
could be controlled
into a simple
selection of the "right"
path
the one that makes
them more comfortable
explain with kindness
frustration and anger
fester
not the person
but the system
denies legitimacy
laughs at attempts
to stand on equal footing
those fitting the
correct mold

Wanting the world to catch up. Realizing I need to take more time to think when I'm asked a question. It is not necessarily my job to explain or explain right away.

worth lives

so deep in there were glamour shots at sixteen not understanding what everyone was feeling that stirring that need young but old tired of lonely
felt it when she1 looked at me when she2 kissed me when she3 woke up here
kept it from my body in my brain above the waist kept it from them afraid of their looks lost love lost respect gained disappointment
repeating the mantra of perfection
without perfection there is no love
without perfection there are no friends
without perfection this aching remains
tearing away from them to hold them closer to be real to cry out my self and know they could scream run away
to know that alone all is okay when alone is you damn the masks makeup painted touches so They can name your beauty thoughtless of where worth lives
foot by foot easier harder habitual effort conscious deliberate fate waiting walking wondering seeking new and old to break and build upon the tangled web knotted love
me

First go at a "rambling". I am leaving it without editing.

forget to forget

lost in the move
sleep in the past
running for a goal
unable to turn
tense and focused
look wide
look long
open
forget to forget

I'm ahead so far with the packing/moving!

today, though, look away

blue windows before the rain
falls to meet them
smudges block the lightning's flashes of inspiration
thunder's oration
sitting bare, open, and kind
piles of life gather and grow
requiring action
today, though, look away

Happy Monday before I move, y'all.

weak/strong

this perfectionist streak
is making me weak
time to remember
"i don't know"

Have a great weekend everyone!

casual thursday

when the economy collapses
and the looming debt of school
stares down into your soul
it is very necessary
to wear jeans to work

Work party!

the chaos of sanity

The desk was willfully angular. Everything had a place and remained perfectly in line with the ninety degree angles of the furniture. When zhe sat at the desk, hir back was straight, arms at right angles, feet firmly planted on the floor. It was disturbingly clean except for the pen holder. A firework of collected writing instruments, many stolen from other desks. The small space held the all of hir chaos and subversiveness, pushing the limits of the boundaries and threatening to explode in a volcano of ink and graphite. That tension kept hir sane.

This description is definitely not my desk. I attempt to keep some order, but really, I just do not care.

couple of sentences

He was trying too hard to get everything done. There was too much to do, too little time. He kept going. One thing after another. Rest. HA! Maybe later. There was always later.

Short, oh the shortness.

conquest

Arms folded under, she took stock of the person across the room. Tall, solid, dark, brooding, seemingly in control. She wanted to break her, but not tonight. Tonight was introductions and meaningless conversation; a night to be forgotten except as the time she first spotted the conquest. Control was hers to own and manipulate.

We are heading in to a time of stress and change. The entries may be short, but they are still coming.

don't wait on cupcake

choosing what has to wait
the mark of an adult

something that i hate

what has to wait
is definitely not the cupcake

After some (read: a lot) prodding by GH, I made (more) cupcakes last night and iced them at the office. I am now covered in buttercream frosting. It's the new Friday look.

her

She had eyes that needed to please and a face faking happiness until it was felt. The summer had been crazy. I was lost in myself, running from my soul, and she was there. Deep in a corner of the bar, laughing at some joke or some thought or some sight. I always loved that laugh; the one part of her she allowed to be genuine and unhindered. A drink offered, a kiss taken, and we began.

Working through missing some people. Working through some past sadness. I would say regret, but I do not believe in regret.

how to change your life in eight hours

I have never felt this good in my life, friends. I have been down, kicked around, spat upon, and all by my own doing. I have sinned. I have sinned. I have sinned against myself, against my fellow people, against the world. I have sinned in my thoughts and in my actions. I've been bad, friends. I have been to the edge, but I am back. There is a redeemer! A secret to changing your life! And that secret is ... sleep. Friends, there ain't nothing that can change your world like a good night's sleep. You have to commit, commit to those 8 hours. That's not a lot. Sleep ain't asking for your whole day. Eight hours, friends, to be a better person. Now I've been there. I've been out into the wee hours. I've been lost in the drinking and the drugs and the sex. I've stumbled home as the sun came up, and I've gone to work still drunk. I've been lost in that hazy woods. There is a way out. Sleep. Lay down your burdens! Give your problems over to that little death, and you will be reborn! Amen.

I did not get my whole 8 hours (Humidity!), but I definitely feel like a different person from yesterday. Damn, I was tired.

clues

start the contest at the top of the hour
placed bets frozen, waiting
every eye upon the stage
lady, you can do it
lady, you can win
almost there
taste the victory
right out of, of reach
it wants you, needs you, calls you
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Happy 2nd Monthly Big Gay Spelling Bee! My spelling name is in the piece. Do you know what it is?

the replacement

Cut to Office Kitchen.

Enter The Intern. Looks at fruit basket. Looks around kitchen. Visibly disappointed. Opens the refrigerator, moves a few things around. Checks a promising but much too small bag. Grabs week old cream cheese, considers it, and puts it back. Opens each cabinet quickly, leaving the doors open. Looks in the sink. Opens the microwave and slams the door shut. Opens the dishwasher. Nothing. Looks at the fruit. Grabs an apple and some grapes. Takes a big bite of the apple. Is exiting when The Boss steps in to the doorway.

The Boss

Whaaaaat? Where are the bagels? The Intern Shrugs and scoots by The Boss.

Here is a bit more. I'm getting a little stuck. I should probably write out the whole scene regardless of where it goes.

solving problems

need more time to parse out the details
brain ran one way but now lost the track
a little more time
just a little
always asking behind the question
vacation holiday run away emigrate
new a new new new something
not this
that embarrasses or frowns or kills
Houdini travels in reinvented masks
melting down under the heat of years

I know, I know. I promised a continuation. It'll come!

the missing bagels (a start)

Close up of a computer screen. On it is an Outlook email. It says:

Friday Bagels are here. They are located in the kitchen. Please clean up any crumbs you get on the lunch tables.

Thank you,
HR

Cut to kitchen. On the table is a large fruit basket. No bagels in site.

Announcer

We've secretly replaced the Friday Bagels with a Large Fruit Basket. Let us see what happens next.

Um, excuse me. Excuse me?

Cut to cj rené sitting at the computer typing this script.

cj rené

What?! Oh. Aren't you supposed to be announcing?

Announcer

Well, yes, but -

cj rené

But...

Announcer

I think you are missing the point of a "Replacement Bit".

cj rené

Am I?

Announcer

I think so, yes.

cj rené

Okay, Announcer Person. Why don't we just wait until the end of the scene to see if I've missed the point?


This is a start. More tomorrow (unless I forget. Then more when I remember! Remember, you could always remind me).

wet summer night

collards on the kettle
see the boil
tripping bubbles heat the hottest air
a/c desired
a/c denied
cold lives on the bus the subway the office

ready

she looks with longing
eyes beyond the window pulsing
the beat of rain
osmotic air over a shoulder
beads of water growing growing leaving cooling
quick lightening light sends her back to bed

waiting

I got all of my cooking done. I made 5 things and only one was... not good. I'll call it success.

within me change

angry emails written
never sent
fights worth having
swallowed
trust worth building
lost

living close to yes
where hidden stays desire
self and need
absorbed into the landscape
forgotten
or remembered
taken for granted

asking for justice equity respect

start at home

Too much for me to explain.

good morning, monday

what did i do
that made my body so tired
so sleepy
so unable to get by
on five hours
the weekend was not
especially hard
or active
perhaps the sun that burned
the top of my torso
has increased the need
for rest
and healing
or the hormone fluctuations
that make simple disappointments explode
into tears of utter loneliness
could that be it?

Usually going to bed at midnight is enough for me to wake up rested, especially on a Monday. Apparently this is not a hard and fast rule.

mornings at the desk

Good morning, Rubber Band Balls. How are you this morning? Yes, this is my cereal. I know. It doesn’t sound very appetizing at all. All Natural Multibran Flax Flakes. It's not too bad though. I'm not very keen on this almond milk. It tastes... I don't know. It's just not what I wanted. I love rice milk. That's my favourite. Well, milk milk is my favourite, but it makes me gassy. So here we are. Yeah, soy milk is good too, but I think I get too much soy in my diet so I'm trying to cut - Shit! How fucking hard is it too pour cereal into a bowl?! Really fucking hard apparently. Now I have to clean. ARRRR! I will not let this ruin my day. I am going to have a good day. It was just an accident. I just have to clean it up. No, Bobble Head Freud, my father did not spank me for spilling cereal that then launched me into an Elektra Complex. Or an Oedipal one. Oh god! For the last time, I Will Not Tell You About My Sex Life! Why don't you just go behind the monitor and snort some blow and leave me alone. What? Are you crying?! Like a baby?!

Oh. You are crying. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled. Yes, I know. Freuds have feelings too. It's okay. Well, I think that people only play with the Rubber Band Balls because they are within reach, you know? I don't think it has anything to do with you. Really. Do you want me to switch you? I could do that. Okay. There. You can sit by World Paperweight. How is that?

Guys. Shut up. I know. You never complain. People like you. Yeah yeah yeah. But he's been having a rough go of it. It's just temporary. I'll move you back later. I don't know. Later. What? Do you all want to be together? Okay fine. Now I don't want to hear anything out of any of you all day. Got it? Otherwise, you are all going in the drawer with the ketchup. Okay. I have to login.

I had to write this twice this morning, because Blogger decided to delete the first draft. Yay. In case you were wondering, also on my desk is Cat Butt Airfreshner. I imagine it farting (not loudly, but like those air freshener machines) at the end of this.

always fighting

never give up
never stop
keep going
take even moment and lose

they will not stop
they do not even know that they are fighting
so ingrained
so rote
they hold you down
and call it life
nature

you are the survivor
if you never stop

There are days when I know how lucky I am to have a such a good support group.

she grew to manhood

Wizards and warriors flew through her head
Sugarplums and princesses far far away
and long ago
she stood strong with her fleet, her army
solidly on two feet, the whole foot engaged with the ground
the days behind her had made the girl she was
into the man she is
there was a time for sweet, pink things
the season of assertion and confidence had come

This reads a bit too much like male = strong. It's not so much what I mean, but the images of male/strength & girl/sensitive are lodged in my head. I am making it a goal now to play with how that works, both in life & in language.

everybody's got one

my opinions do matter
what they say
only so far though
questions 7 & 8 are not for me
maybe not for you
for them
over there
the square pegs in square holes
straight & narrow
and loaded

I'm really hoping to catch up on sleep soon. Perhaps I should start scheduling that as well.

no butt floss in punk rope

It was Punk Rope, so the thong had to go. There was no need to be any more uncomfortable than necessary; Suzuki spirit be damned. Why the thong anyway? As soon as it was off... nothing. It felt 99% the same off as on. It was for show or the last vestige of the chastity belt. Never again. This time was the last time it or any other "pretend" underpants would be worn. There were hair accessories with more fabric.

I wore a thong with a dress last week. I'm still not sure why I did not just go commando.

the weak ends

the weak ends
thin draws on
comments unwanted
advice unheeded
threats looming
change to come
cannot occur
without the consent
of the changelings

Have a great weekend!

hahaha

can i have 2 or 3 more hours in the day?
kthxbai
can i be challenged and stimulated at my job?
lol
can i have passion and surprises and excitement?
omg
can i step away from this computer?
nsfw

I was going to write about something based on tonight's Punk Rope class. Maybe tomorrow...

new ways

Their sponteneity had been relagated to the weekends. That is how they knew they were old. Growing up. Growing up. Whatever. Every night used to be an adventure. It would start the same but the endings were the surprise. Somewhere around twenty-six or twenty-seven sleep moved up in the priority list along with holding down a job, like a cars passing on the highway. For a moment, their crazy and their responsibility rode side by side, but the latter had pulled ahead. Looks in the rearview were infrequent, but they were long. Life had become routine and full. And good. Yes. The edge was missing. The surprise was missing. The stories were missing. When they had time think about it, their minds split between recapturing that fire and knowing that they did not want to jeopardize this new path. But they needed a spark.

I'm a little too scheduled at the moment, as you can probably tell by the way I'm starting stories and not finishing them!

houston?

Maggie was not excited. Why were they going to Houston? What was in Houston that was not in New York?

"Your Nana and Papaw."

Whatever. They should just come here. Blah blah everyone is there. Hello?! Are they blind? New York is a way better place to spend the holidays.

"I need a break from the weather."

She didn't. This was her weather. Her coat was perfect. She had gained a few pounds and filled out that flabby belly. She looked great. Houston was just going to send her into premature spring, and then she would get back here and have to start all over and be FREEZING while her body caught up.

"The tickets have already been bought. Sorry. Maybe if you learned to clean up after yourself or do some chores, I would consider your opinion when making travel plans."

It always came back to that. Housework was so far beneath Maggie, she did not even respond. She merely walked to her litterbox and let what came out speak for her.

My cat has sass, y'all.

internal insurgency

She sat mindlessly stroking the doll's hair. A frozen grimace attempted to pass for joy. Her father's voice repeated in her mind the demand that she be grateful for her gifts. Baby Brother Brat was setting up his railroad. He was doing it wrong! Everytime she tried to help, "Let him alone. He can do it.", and the doll was thrust back in to her hands.

She hated that doll. She hated all dolls. What she wanted was a stuff animal. Why didn't anyone ever listen to her? The one at the zoo that her mother refused to buy her then. That was what she wanted. A tiger with fierce but playful eyes. Something strong. This stupid toy pooped its pants! The doll took flight across the room, and she stomped upstairs. Her grandmother saying just within earshot, "Ungrateful." One more word to add to the list of adjectives: bossy, stubborn, difficult, and ungrateful. By year's end she probably would be able to get a few more added. These words were badges to her. Her family, peers, and teachers all tried to bend her and mold her to some unexplainable and ill-fitting shape. These words marked her resistance.

I have had those words applied to me as well as smartass, bitch, and feminazi. People are so nice.

independence

a day without working
the to-dos piled up
but i just want to
sit in the sun
and read read read
until my book is done


Have a happy t4h!

office revere

the bagels are coming with the revolution
riding through broken streets
cracked corners
"To Arms!" lost under a storm of firecrackers
or gunfire
lost in Atkins
angry and violent without any goal

the bagels are coming with the revolution
carboloaded food comas
siestas
think, plan
slather and schmear the cream cheese on
dreaming of change
cannot wait until they get here

It's bagel day at the office! I forgot to get my fake cream cheese. I'm going to need to run out.

*again working

lightly sweeping fingers hide the place behind them
a kept villa lost from rule
instantaneous effemeral
the mother smiles over laundry folded in its basket steps out of her life into the next
beak breaks the fragile, red tomato
devours the flesh and the future
delivers tomorrow to the world next door

It's just something. A late something!

*working on this

a beating heart can calm a sea pregnant with storm
the flush and rush in the veins can break the blossom seal
fireworks of scent and fecundity locked inthe stop of a blush
a child's smile conceals the life's lies told in the dignified quest to be someone
...

This starts something new. It came to me last night as I was watching my friend's show, King Lear. We'll see where it goes.